


Transcend

by seonweonsonyeondan



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Like so much angst, M/M, Multi, Other, Self-Harm, This fic is a walking trigger warning, Trans Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 07:39:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7425997
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seonweonsonyeondan/pseuds/seonweonsonyeondan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kyungsoo has known he was different from the day he realized he wanted to be the knight in fairytales and not the princess.</p><p>He didn’t want the Barbies or dolls or pretty pink things everyone expected him to like. He wanted the toy models and trucks and to have skinned knees from tackling his friends like all the other little boys.</p><p>But he wasn’t a little boy. He was a little girl and no one seemed to let him forget that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Transcend

**Author's Note:**

> Sooooooo this is a trans* au. Basically, Kyungsoo is assigned female at birth, but identifies as male. Now, this story obviously doesn't reflect every trans* individuals experience and it's also a work of fiction.  
> It's also a walking trigger warning. If you know something like this is going to trigger you, PLEASE don't read it.
> 
> Okay, grab yourself some tea and make sure you've peed, cuz this is a long one.

Kyungsoo has known he was different from the day he realized he wanted to be the knight in fairytales and not the princess.

He didn’t want the Barbies or dolls or pretty pink things everyone expected him to like. He wanted the toy models and trucks and to have skinned knees from tackling his friends like all the other little boys.

But he wasn’t a little boy. He was a little girl and no one seemed to let him forget that.

“Kyunghui! Come here!” Kyungsoo stuck his tongue out at his mom and ran away from her again; he told his mom many times,  _ quite _ maturely for a seven year old if you asked him, to call him ‘Kyung’ because it’s more “manly” and he was going to be a “real man someday, ma!”

His parents insisted he would learn ballet. He refused unless they let him do taekwondo also. Desperate to help their daughter fit in and be normal, they relented after many tantrums. Kyungsoo looked adorable in his bright pink tutu at his first recital, his cheeks almost the exact same shade, with a tan boy grinning beside him. His parents cooed at the sight, snapping so many photos that Kyungsoo was sure his cheeks would permanently be pink and strained.

But he felt more at home in his dobok than tights and tutus. He relished being able to protect himself, to know that  _ he _ was the best in the class, even though he was small and a  _ girl _ . Anytime one of the other boys told him, “you’re strong for such a tiny girl,” he would punch them in the nose. His teachers never figured out how to reign that instinct in, but they realized if they referred to the angry and feisty little girl who always insisted on being called boy as simply  _ student _ , maybe he would stop causing so much trouble.

As soon as he was allowed, Kyungsoo stopped going to ballet. His parents were convinced by a school counselor it would be best for Kyungsoo if they indulged their daughter.

“Let Kyunghui explore these unorthodox desires. She’s young and doesn’t know any better. I’m sure once she hits puberty, all this nonsense will stop,” the counselor had said.

Kyungsoo didn’t care; he was just happy his parents allowed him to pursue whatever he wanted.

First, he asked to start playing soccer. They let him, reasoning it’s what the counselor had said and besides, many of the other little girls played soccer too.

Then he wanted to start competing in taekwondo. He was quite good and his instructors were so impressed. So his parents once again allowed him to indulge.

He asked to stop wearing anything “girly;” he threw out anything pink and all the dresses and skirts his mother had bought for him. It pained them, but they let him do it anyway. Besides, it wasn’t like he had that much in the way of “girly” clothes anyway. (Kyungsoo did, however, keep one frilly dress because he knew how much it meant to his mama.)

Then he asked to get his hair cut short.

“Like a bob? Just past your chin? That would be so cute, Kyunghui!”

“No, like the other boys’, dad.”

It took some convincing, but they eventually agreed to let him cut his hair.

For a while, Kyungsoo was happy. Some people would mistake him for a normal little boy, even if he was prettier than most little boys his age; his chest would swell with pride whenever that happened.

His parents just watched, nervous and anxious because they could tell their baby girl was never going to agree to try and be normal. They just hoped the school counselor would turn out to be right .

⭑✯⭑

Puberty didn’t hit Kyungsoo like his classmates. His was slow and creeping, his period late and his breasts developing much later than the other girls.

He hated what he saw in the mirror. Those lumps of flesh and fat on his once perfectly flat chest and his widening hips gave him away. No longer could he convince people he was a late bloomer (even though he was); now it was obvious he was a girl, a  _ woman _ .

Then he met Minseok.

It was the first day of tenth grade. Kyungsoo was the only sophomore in his Calculus class and he had to admit it was intimidating.

No less than 2 minutes after finding a seat did  _ he  _ walk in. He wasn't very tall but he was definitely very fit. His chest strained against his thin t-shirt and his jeans sat just so on his hips. Kyungsoo felt his heart pound, his face burn, and when that sculpture of a person looked at him, Kyungsoo wished the ground would swallow him whole.

He plopped down that August morning right in front of Kyungsoo, a small smile playing on his lips.

“Hey, I’m Minseok. You’re Baekhyun’s friend right?” Minseok gave Kyungsoo the most blinding smile he had ever seen.

“I-I am. Uhm, I’m. I’m Kyung...hui.” Kyungsoo knew his face resembled a strawberry at best, a tomato more likely. Minseok’s smile grew bigger and Kyungsoo’s heart stuttered in a way he’d never experienced.

“It’s nice to meet you officially. Baekhyun loves to tell me all about how you used to beat him up as a kid.” Kyungsoo was positive he was a tomato his face was so warm.

“Oh. Well, it’s his fault for being a smartass.”

“Maybe I should be a smartass too.” There was something that lingered there, a suggestion that Kyungsoo wasn’t so naive he didn’t pick up on it.

For the rest of the first semester things continued in the same vein. Minseok subtly flirting and Kyungsoo being too flustered to do anything about it.

“Baek, why does he do this to me? Does he know what he’s doing??” Kyungsoo bemoaned to his best friend on a daily basis. Typically during their shared lunch.

“He totally knows what he’s doing. But he also has a very hot, very smart girlfriend.” This was usually accompanied by Baekhyun oogling Minseok’s girlfriend, Taeyeon. “If they have babies, they will be the most genetically lucky children in the world.”

“She’s just so...feminine. Her hair is so long and silky and her boobs so perky. How is she real, Baek?” Baek was always too distracted to offer anything more than a shrug.

And then finals came. While Kyungsoo was confident in his ability to ace all his classes, he noticed Minseok wasn’t doing as well. But he really didn’t know how to approach the senior; outside of their interactions in class and the occasional greeting in the halls, they stayed within their own circles of friends.

The end of the semester was fast approaching and Minseok was desperate. No one else had been able to help him grasp the material.

“Baekhyun, what am I going to do?” It was the end of a long day of school and now he was in the locker room with the rest of the lacrosse team. Baekhyun looked up from the bench where he was tying his shoelaces.

“About what?”

“Calc! I have a C+ right now and unless I get a 87 or above on the final my GPA will be brought down and my scholarship is completely dependent on my GPA staying where it was when I got it.”

“Have you asked Taeyeon?”

“She’s too busy as it is.”

“What about Kyungie? Kyung’s at the top of your class right? I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem.”

“You really think so? What if she beats me up?”

“Aren’t you into that though?” At this Minseok threw a towel at the snickering Baekhyun.

“She’s right; you  _ are _ a smartass.”

“And everyone loves me for it.” Baekhyun grabbed his things and sauntered over to the doorway, just to be dramatic. “Seriously, I know Kyungie will help you out if you ask.”

The next day, Minseok sat in his usual spot in front of Kyungsoo’s normal desk. Kyungsoo was already there, scribbling some last minute notes before class started.

“Hey, Kyunghui.” Kyungsoo responded simply with a grunt. “I was wondering if you could be my study partner?” Kyungsoo’s owl eyes widened at the question, pencil dropping out of his still moving hand as he looked up at Minseok.

“Me?”

“Yeah. You’re the top student in this class and I really can’t afford to get less than an A on this final.”

“...Did Baekhyun tell you to ask me?”

“Yeah. He said you’d probably say yes.” The look on Minseok’s face was pitiful; he had bags under his eyes from all the work he had been putting in and his skin was sallow. The desperation to finish this semester with high marks was getting the best of him. If Minseok hadn’t been  Kyungsoo’s object of desire, the person who lit him from the inside out, he would have still said--

“Sure. I can be your study partner.” Before Kyungsoo could register exactly what was happening, Minseok grabbed him into a tight hug, squeezing him tighter than anyone else ever had.

“Thank you so much, Kyunghui. Seriously, you are saving my ass. Can we start tonight? I’m just so lost I need as much help as possible. God, I could kiss you!” Kyungsoo wasn’t entirely sure Minseok wouldn’t, what with the extreme look of relief on his face.

“Uhm. I-uh. I’m free later tonight. I’ll text you my address and. Uh, yeah. We’ll go over everything.” Kyungsoo knew he was blushing harder than he ever had, even more than when he first met Minseok. Maybe even more than when he was a kid in that stupid ballet recital.

After school Kyungsoo restlessly paced his room, making sure it was neat (it already was) and didn’t smell (it never did) and nothing embarrassing was in view (his Pororo plushie wasn’t embarrassing right?). He repeated this more than three times before he heard the doorbell.

“I’ll get it!” Kyungsoo had never run faster in his life, huffing and puffing as he pulled open the front door. “Hi Minseok.”

“Hey, Kyunghui. Uh, you alright?”

“Of course! Just. Ran...to open the door…” Minseok cracked that signature grin of his, looking at Kyungsoo as if he had never seen anything more adorable. Kyungsoo, of course, turned bright red under his gaze as he shuffled to the side. “Come in. Do you...uh...need anything? Some water? Soda? A snack?”

“Some water will be fine.”

The pair quickly got settled into Kyungsoo’s room, nestling into the make-shift nest Kyungsoo had prepared.

“Okay, so what aren’t you understanding?”

“Uh, most of it?”

“It can’t be that much! You’ve been doing well on all the quizzes right?”

“Well...Define well?”

“Minseok.”

“Okay, I haven’t been turning in most of the homework, okay? Ms. Lim let it slide the first few times, but now she’s not letting me turn them in late! And my averages on the quizzes have been C’s, B’s at best.” Minseok buried his face in his hands, a frustrated sound escaping.

“Okay. Okay. Calm down Minseok,” Kyungsoo placed a hand on the distressed teen’s shoulder. “We can work through this. What exactly aren’t you sure of?”

“Mostly...the formulas?”

“Okay then. Let’s start with those.”

A few hours passed with the two reviewing everything from the beginning. Minseok found that Kyungsoo was an excellent tutor; he was patient and kind and rarely lashed out when he repeatedly got answers wrong or asked the same question over and over. Kyungsoo realized Minseok didn’t know how smart he was and that he had a shy sense of humor that would occasionally manifest.

Neither noticed how late it got until their eyes refused to stay open any longer. Minseok leaned on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, his yawn gaping as he rubbed his eyes.

“Thanks, Kyunghui. Seriously.” His hand landed on Kyungsoo’s thigh, a little too high for it to just be friendly. Kyungsoo chalked it up to him being tired. He tilted his head down to get a better look at his classmate when Minseok looked up at the same time. Their noses brushed together and before Kyungsoo could pull away, Minseok closed the distance. Kyungsoo sat stiff as a statue, brain not fully able to process what happened. Minseok pulled away slowly, a small smile playing on his beautiful lips.

“And thanks for the kiss too. I’ll see you next week?” Kyungsoo dumbly nodded as Minseok gathered his things and left.

“What...just...happened.”

Kyungsoo continued to tutor Minseok and Minseok continued his habit of kissing Kyungsoo before leaving, each kiss lingering longer, hands beginning to explore more of Kyungsoo. Two weeks before the final Minseok showed up on a Friday night and it was clear something was going to change that night.

Kyungsoo’s parents were out late, leaving them alone for almost the whole evening. Kyungsoo shuffled nervously while Minseok settled in. The atmosphere was thick while they studied for an hour or so.

“You’ve gotten a lot better.” Kyungsoo nodded appreciatively at Minseok’s work; it had only been a few weeks, but Minseok had really gotten better at grasping all the concepts. His mistakes were greatly outnumbered by his correct answers.

“I’ve had a good tutor,” Minseok stated, nosing the younger’s jawline, a move Kyungsoo knew meant Minseok wanted to stop studying calculus and start studying Kyungsoo’s anatomy. “Maybe I can thank her with something...”

Kyungsoo’s breath hitched in his throat; Minseok attached his lips to the spot right under his chin. The smaller cursed his big mouth for mentioning how sensitive that spot was.

“Wh-what about--” Minseok suckled a small hickey right beneath Kyungsoo’s shirt collar, “What about Taeyeon?”

“What about her?” Minseok moved on to Kyungsoo’s stomach now. This wasn’t the first time Kyungsoo had brought up Taeyeon during these moments; his crush’s answer always remained the same.

“You know what I mean, Minnie.”

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her.” He pulled the younger into his lap, sighing with contentment while running his hands appreciatively up and down Kyungsoo’s thighs. “Besides, it’s just my way of thanking you.”

Kyungsoo was never fully satisfied with this answer but who was he to say no to Minseok? He wasn’t even really able to say anything longer than two syllables when Minseok had his mouth on his neck and his hands under his clothes. 

Kyungsoo decided tonight was the night he wasn’t going to ask Minseok to stop when things got good.

Tonight Kyungsoo was going to feel like a normal girl. Having sex with a normal guy. And maybe, just maybe, the confusion that he started feeling as soon as he met Minseok would resolve itself.

Minseok’s hands felt  _ so good _ and Kyungsoo couldn’t wait to see how good the rest of him felt, helping the elder shimmy out of his pants.

As soon as they both were rid of their clothes, Minseok devoured Kyungsoo whole. Kyungsoo had wanted this for so long, had thought about it in the darkness before bed, had complained to Baekhyun for so long, that every nerve was on fire.

“I'm so grateful, Kyunghui. I want to show how much,” Minseok whispered as he settled between Kyungsoo’s thighs. “Your thighs are probably the most amazing things I've ever seen.” Kyungsoo moaned when the older teen bit gently on the sensitive skin.

His warm breath fanned over every inch of Kyungsoo until the smaller was wrecked and moaning, absolutely under Minseok’s control.

Everything ignited Kyungsoo: the moans falling from Minseok’s mouth as he thrusted into him, the feeling of his hands burning a trail from neck to hips, the ghosts of promises he knew deep down Minseok never meant to keep.

But Kyungsoo desperately needed this. He needed to prove to himself he could be normal. If not for himself, for the perfect human currently between his legs.

And it felt good, amazing even. Minseok knew what he was doing and Kyungsoo was a willing participant.

The day after, Kyungsoo lay alone in bed, spread out in his shorts and ratty t-shirt thinking about what happened the night before.

He still didn’t feel normal, but he hoped he was taking a step in the right direction.

Baekhyun showed up later and he couldn’t ignore his best friend’s bizarre behavior, but Kyungsoo’s insistence that he was fine made him stay quiet for the time.

Baekhyun noticed how Kyungsoo was shifty around Minseok for the rest of the semester. How Kyungsoo would ditch him with weak excuses like, “I just don’t really feel like hanging out with anyone”, when later Baekhyun only had to ask about Minseok for Kyungsoo to slip up. He noticed how his best friend started growing his hair long, wearing makeup, even attempting to wear feminine clothes. He noticed Kyungsoo still wore his sports bras, but little things were changing. Baekhyun wasn’t sure what all this meant, but he knew he supported his friend either way.

It was a week into winter break and Baekhyun was sprawled on Kyungsoo’s floor like he was prone to. They’d split a bowl earlier, and while Baekhyun knew how to handle his high, Kyungsoo still hadn’t learned to function properly yet. Baekhyun lazily played a game on Kyungsoo’s console (some game that was for kids, really, but the colors and easiness made it perfect for high playing) when he noticed Kyungsoo standing in front of his mirror, stripped of his shirt and pants.

“Whatcha doin’, Kyungie?”

“Am I pretty Baek?”

“Sure. You’re one of the most beautiful people I know.” Baekhyun regarded his friend with a neutral expression. He couldn’t tell if this was just a simple “am I attractive” or if this was so much more. Kyungsoo shifted, twisting his hips, trying to get a better look at himself.

“But am I...pretty?” Baekhyun watched as his shorter friend’s eyebrows knitted themselves together, his addled brain trying to elaborate exactly what was on his mind.

“I think you’re amazing no matter what you’re seeing in that mirror.” Baekhyun had moved to lie on his back, staring at his friend. “Your ass looks great from this angle.” Kyungsoo lashed his leg back, a warning.

“Is this about you and Minseok?” With an exaggerated sigh, Kyungsoo joined his childhood friend on the floor.

“I’m not good at keeping secrets, Baek.”

“I know.” He stroked Kyungsoo’s hair. He couldn’t quite remember the last time his friend’s hair was so long. It had to be at least five years now. “Be careful, Kyungie. I’m not as good at beating people up as you are. And if he hurts you…” He turns his head to meet Kyungsoo’s wide eyes.

“I know,” Kyungsoo whispered before leaning on Baekhyun’s chest and changing topics.

Kyungsoo and Minseok continued showing each other their gratitude for the rest of winter break. Baekhyun continued to watch his friend change with quiet reservation. Kyungsoo had been peripherally accepted into the jocks’ group, rotating around Minseok who was Kyungsoo’s sun.

Baekhyun noticed what maybe even Kyungsoo hadn’t; whenever he spent considerable time with Minseok, Kyungsoo seemed to second guess who he was and would show up to school in short skirts and expertly applied makeup. His hair would cascade down in beautiful ringlets and he would try harder to fit in with the rest of the girls.

Baekhyun had no problem with Kyungsoo exploring what being girly was like. He did have a problem with how directly related it was to Minseok and his affections.

“Minseok, I know you’re our star player, but I swear I hope you know what you’re doing with Kyung.” Baekhyun cornered Minseok after practice one day.

“Don’t worry, she’s a big girl.” Minseok flashed his signature grin. “Taeyeon really likes her. Makes it a lot easier to get time together.” Baekhyun resisted the urge to kick him in his stupidly cat-like face.

“Kyungie is my best friend, Minseok. I won’t hesitate to kick your ass if you fuck up.”

“Don’t worry, my man, she knows what we are.” With a firm clap on the back, Minseok walked out of the locker room. Baekhyun knew then how fucked they all were.

It didn’t take long for the little relationship Minseok and Kyungsoo had been hiding to fall apart. It was the night of the spring formal and Baekhyun and Kyungsoo had agreed to go with a group of friends.

Halfway through the night Baekhyun noticed both Taeyeon and Kyungsoo had been missing for a good 15 minutes.

“Yo, Minseok, where’re your lovers?”

“Eh, dunno. Tae’s probably peeing or some shit.”

A boulder settled in Baekhyun’s stomach as he walked through the empty halls to the bathrooms. He could hear yelling coming from the end of the hall. The boulder weighed him down and he could clearly hear his steps clanking on the floor as he sprinted.

Taeyeon burst out the bathroom looking like she just committed a murder and wasn’t the least bit sorry. She saw Baekhyun and snorted.

“Do a better job of keeping your little friend’s legs shut, Baek.” Before he could even think of retorting, she shoved past him, maintaining eye contact as her heels carried her away. The sounds of Kyungsoo sobbing reached Baekhyun’s ears immediately when he entered the bathroom.

“Oh, Kyungie…” Kyungsoo slumped on the counter, makeup ruined, dress ripped up to his thigh.

“She knew the whole time. She  _ knew _ .” Kyungsoo buried his face into his hands. “She knew and used it to get back at me.”

“Oh babe, come here.” Baekhyun pulled Kyungsoo’s shaking frame into his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Baekhyun sighed, awkwardly trying to run his fingers through Kyungsoo’s made up hair. He let Kyungsoo calm down a bit before declaring--

“I’m going to kick Minseok’s ass. I’m gunna kick his ass so bad he’s gunna wake up in the next galaxy over.”

“I appreciate the thought, Baek, but you’re terrible at fighting.”

“I don’t care, it’s the principle of it.” A strangled snort escaped Kyungsoo before he started sobbing again.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here. How could Taeyeon be  _ such _ a bitch? She completely ruined your dress. I should have known that girl was trouble. Damn her perfect everything for blinding me.” He lifted Kyungsoo onto his back, shooting a quick text to his girlfriend about what happened. When the pair got outside, Baekhyun’s girlfriend was already there, ready to help her boyfriend’s best friend.

“Kyunghui! I’m so sorry! Let’s get you in my car. I cannot believe how shitty this is.” She opened the shotgun door, helping Baekhyun move the mostly catatonic Kyungsoo into the seat. She popped open the glove compartment, pulling out makeup remover and a bottle of pills. She shoved one pill into Kyungsoo’s mouth, forcing him to swallow. After she was satisfied he had indeed swallowed she set about wiping the mascara stains from his face.

“Baekkie, be a dear and get in the back seat now. Let’s bring Kyunghui home. She’s going to need to sleep off the Xanax I just gave her.”

“How do you even have Xanax, Jessica?”

“Mom. Duh.” Baekhyun shrugged and complied.

In no time they were back home, Kyungsoo’s and Jessica’s makeup removed and everyone in pj’s eating ice cream and watching  _ Princess Jellyfish _ , the most comforting anime  _ ever _ according to Kyungsoo.

They fell asleep in a heap of limbs and snoring, safe from the drama of the outside world for a few hours.

Kyungsoo refused to go to school for a week, claiming to be nauseous and sick with some unknown virus. Baekhyun came over everyday with his notes and another pint of ice cream. He would always find his friend curled up in his favorite Pororo blanket, nose red, eyes puffy. Sometimes Kyungsoo was lucid enough to look over the notes, but for most of that week, he could barely get words out, only the most heart wrenching cries Baekhyun had ever heard.

“I almost felt normal, Baek,” Kyungsoo managed one day.

“I know, Kyung. I know,” Baek had Kyungsoo’s head on his lap and he was stroking the hair the way he knew Kyungsoo liked.

“I...I almost felt like a  _ real girl _ , Baek.”

“I know, I know you did.” Kyungsoo buried his face deeper into the blankets.

Later that week Baekhyun arrived at Kyungsoo’s house to a very panicked Kyungsoo’s mom flinging open the door.

“Baekhyun! Talk reason to her! She’s locked herself in the bathroom. She said something about hating her body and that she was going to do something about it.”

Baekhyun could feel all blood drain from his face. The boulder from that night hadn’t dissipated and now it knocked around his stomach as he climbed the stairs to Kyungsoo’s bathroom.

“Kyungie? It’s me. Can I come in?” He tried the doorknob, knowing it was locked. He was answered with a guttural wail. Panic started to set in when the wailing continued. “Please, Kyungie, let me in.”

The door whipped open and Kyungsoo stood in front of him, his ever present tears falling down his chubby cheeks. His eyes were so wide Baekhyun swore they were perfect circles. Kyungsoo held two poorly severed pig-tails in his hands, leaving his remaining hair to stick up in lopsided spikes. Baekhyun’s eyes trailed down, making sure his friend hadn’t hurt himself elsewhere, but stopped short when they reach Kyungsoo’s chest. Kyungsoo was wearing a sports bra as usual, but instead of just a sports bra, he had wrapped his chest up in bandages to try and flatten himself down. He stepped into the bathroom, locking the door behind himself.

“Kyungie...what are you doing?”

“This isn’t me, Baek. I’m not...I’m not  _ that _ ,” Kyungsoo spat at his reflection.

“You’re so much more than your body, Kyungie.”

“This  _ isn’t _ my body. It’s...I don’t know what it is.” Venom dripped from Kyungsoo’s every word. Baekhyun really didn’t understand what Kyungsoo meant, but he did understand the pain in his friend’s eyes. He opened his arms to his friend, waiting for Kyungsoo to accept his hug.

“I don’t know how to help. But I’ll do my best, okay?” Kyungsoo stood in front of the mirror again, grabbing at his hair. Baekhyun sat on the edge of tub with the scissors and motioned for Kyungsoo to sit on the little rug in front of him. “Let me trim your hair a bit. At least let me try to make it look less like a bird’s nest?”

Kyungsoo slowly slid down between Baekhyun’s legs, letting the older boy run his hands through his hair. Baekhyun tamed most of the lopsidedness so Kyungsoo looked more like the Kyungsoo he was used to. All the while Kyungsoo continued to sniffle, clutching at his chest.

“I just want to be normal,” the smaller finally rasped out.

“I know. But you're you and that's the best you can do right now.” He slowly worked, trimming and snipping at the unruly hair. “I can't make you look perfect, but it looks better than before.” Kyungsoo just nodded, trembling in his spot.

“Come on, I'll ask your mom for some tea and soup.” Baekhyun lifted his friend to his feet and helped him move to his bed. “Stay there, okay? I’ll be right back.” When Baekhyun returned, Kyungsoo sat on the edge of his bed, fiddling with the bandages that had been around his chest.

“Are you okay?”

“Not really.”

“That’s okay.” He handed over a steaming cup of tea and sat next to his friend. “I think you need to come to school tomorrow.” Kyungsoo choked on the sip he’d taken.

“Hell no.”

“Listen, you’ve been gone for a week. People are talking. Taeyeon’s a bitch but she didn’t tell anyone what happened. Being there...it’ll help stop the rumors. If Min--” Kyungsoo’s face twisted into a grimace, “If that  _ twatwaffle  _ tries anything I will personally kick his teeth out. Okay? And Jessica and Junmyeon have agreed to help me too. Imagine how  _ that _ fight would go down. He would be so fucked.” Kyungsoo barely managed a smile, the death grip on his mug loosening a little. Baekhyun snaked an arm around his waist, pulling him close before resting his chin on Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“I know it won’t help you feel normal, but at least at school our friends can help you pretend.” He rubbed reassuring circles into his friend’s back, watching for any negative reactions. Kyungsoo slowly nodded.

“I’ll try. I’ll try to come to school. But if he tries to talk to me, let me get a good punch in, okay?”

“Whatever you want, babe.”

Kyungsoo showed up the next day at school. People stared a bit at his hair; Baekhyun had done his best, but with so little time to get it fixed Kyungsoo felt like a little kid with a bizarre cross between a pixie and a page cut. He tried this morning, he tried really hard to put on feminine clothes, to put on makeup, but every time he did his breath stopped coming. He did his best to tread the line between girly and masculine.

He just wanted to go back to when he was a kid. When his body felt more like his own. When he could look in the mirror without fear and what he saw matched what he felt.

For the most part people didn’t comment on Kyungsoo’s drastic haircut or his appearance in general. At least not to his face. It seemed like while the drama with Minseok hadn’t spread throughout the school, everyone did know something was up. When people thought Kyungsoo was out of earshot, he heard them talking about how he looked, about how he was just too different.

Baekhyun and his posse kept a close eye on Kyungsoo for that day. Baekhyun knew Minseok would probably try to talk with Kyungsoo at some point, so they quietly arranged to always have someone with Kyungsoo between classes. No one was going to fuck with Kyungsoo if Baekhyun could help it.

The rest of the semester passed relatively uneventfully. Baekhyun knew not everything was better, but Kyungsoo wasn’t holing himself up and that was enough for Baekhyun.

But he couldn’t be there all the time. He couldn’t be there in the middle of the night when Kyungsoo stood in front of his mirror, frustrated and ashamed of what he saw.

He couldn’t be there to stop him when all Kyungsoo wanted to do was cut his body apart.

He wasn’t there when Kyungsoo started doing just that.

He did notice that Kyungsoo started trying to fade into the background as much as he could. No amount of gentle coaxing and prodding could get Kyungsoo to open up to him. Kyungsoo worked harder in school, trained harder for competitions at the dojo, and played harder whenever he was on the field.

Baekhyun noticed how skinny Kyungsoo was getting. He noticed how sunken his eyes were. He noticed that even at practice, he wore long pants, even though the weather was starting to warm up.

Baekhyun noticed all these things, but didn’t know what to do.

⭑✯⭑

Summer came and like every summer since Kyungsoo and Baekhyun met, they spent their days at their dojo’s taekwondo camp. Instead of being campers now, they were camp leaders, helping their teachers wrangle the small children.

That particular summer there was a new camp leader, someone one of the other guys had recruited. Kyungsoo was playing with a group of the younger kids when the camp coordinator walked up to introduce their newest counselor.

“Kyung, let me introduce you to our newest addition.” Kyungsoo looked up from the little game going on and was greeted by an extremely tall, attractive guy. “This is Yifan. He’s one of Zitao’s friends and you two will be working together. Try not to beat him up too much, kay?”

Kyungsoo smiled shyly at that, brushing some dirt off his pants. He extended a hand hesitantly, unsure if initiating contact was something he should even be doing with someone so obviously older than him.

“I’m Kyunghui, but call me Kyung or Kyungie. How do you know our little panda?” Yifan accepted the offered hand; Kyungsoo noted his were calloused and strong. There was a quirk to his lips, like he had sized Kyungsoo up before he had even said a word. Kyungsoo stared back, “What? You’re...looking at me kind of weird.”

“Sorry, I’ve been told I do that a lot,” he smiled properly. “I know Tao through another friend. I’m spending the summer in Korea, but needed something to do.” He shifted on his feet, looking a little awkward. “Honestly, Tao told me a lot about you, so I’m a little nervous right now.” That quirk was back. Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if he wanted to punch it or something else.

“Oh, god, seriously that was  _ one time _ ! And he definitely had it coming.” Yifan laughed at the outburst.

“He was right about your mean streak,” he teased as he picked up a ball that one of the kids had kicked over. Most of the kids had grown bored with the two old people and wandered off long ago, leaving just Kyungsoo and Yifan to get to know each other.

“He probably did deserve it. The lil’ shit.” He was regarding Kyungsoo with that level look again. It felt like he was seeing straight through Kyungsoo and still seeing everything all at once. Kyungsoo really didn’t like how it felt.

“You’re doing it again.” Kyungsoo tried to not sound too upset about it.

“Sorry.” He didn’t look that sorry. “You’re just-- You remind me of someone.”

Kyungsoo really didn’t know what to say to that so he just nodded and waited. Yifan awkwardly shifted on the balls of his feet as he gestured to the surrounding outdoor “child zoo,” as Kyungsoo liked to call it. “So, they didn't really give me that much of a tour. Maybe, uh, since you're supposed to be my partner, you could show me around?” Kyungsoo stared at him dumbly, trying to gauge exactly what Yifan was doing. It could be something else but Kyungsoo was pretty sure Yifan was just awkward; his Korean was heavily accented though it was hard to tell from where. Which could explain why he just mumbled all the time and looked a little too deeply at Kyungsoo.

“I’m from Canada, but also speak Chinese. That’s why my accent is weird.”

“Oh. How did you--”

“I get that a lot.” He smiled awkwardly again. “So, uh, show me the ropes, Kyung?” Kyungsoo just shook his head in disbelief.

“Alright, I guess I’ll show you around.” He waved his hands in a vague circle. “This is the free space. It’s...kind of the free for all area? It’s where the kids eat and where they hang out after workshops and stuff. Uh, over there,” he pointed to a small locked shed, Yifan’s eyes following, “That’s where we keep first aid kits, lollipops, coloring books, other supplies like that. Me, Baekhyun, Seulgi, Junmyeon, and the teachers all have keys. You’ll probably get one at some point.”

He walked into the larger building. “This is the main classroom. All the workshops and classes and what-not happen in here.” Kyungsoo pointed to a door in the opposite corner. “That’s the office. Only the teachers and Junmyeon have a key to it. I don’t know why Junmyeon is trusted with anything since he’s a total dolt, but whatever.” Yifan snorted. “Have you met Junmyeon yet? Once you meet him you’ll get it.” He pointed to a couple doors lining the walls. “Those are the bathrooms. They’re gender neutral, which is nice. And over there,” Kyungsoo spun on his heel to point to another storage closet, “is where we keep extra doboks in case kids or teachers or whoever was an idiot and forgot theirs. Changmin goes through them once a week and gets them washed. So they’re always clean.” He looked around, making sure he really did cover everything. “Any questions?”

“Nope. Well, one.”

“Shoot.”

“Can we spar?” Kyungsoo’s eyes widened at that; he didn’t expect Yifan to ask that.

“I guess? I mean, sure? But why?”

“Tao told me you’re one of the best. That, and I’m a firm believer that you can tell a lot by the way a person fights.” Yifan’s expression was serious. “So it’s the fastest way for the two of us to learn how to work together.” Kyungsoo tilted his head to the side, mildly surprised.

“You know, I agree. That’s what I tell Baek all the time. He just laughs at me.”

“I hear you beat him up a lot.”

“You’re not wrong. Okay, let’s do it. Three rounds of five minutes? Or whoever gets to 10 points first?”

“We might be here all day if we try to get to 10.” Kyungsoo smirked; he liked that Yifan wasn’t underestimating him like many of the other guys he had sparred with over the years.

“Alright, three rounds of five it is then.” Kyungsoo jogged over to the timer to set it up. The pair bowed to each other and assumed their starting positions. As soon as the bell sounded, Yifan lunged forward, an expert fist rushing towards Kyungsoo’s head. A dodge and Kyungsoo aimed his fist at  Yifan’s ribs, tapping the older male’s ribs with enough force just to make sure it didn’t go unnoticed. They parted, a grin playing on Kyungsoo’s lips.

“Nice shot. You know I gave that to you right?”

“Yeah, right.” They rushed at each other again, this time Kyungsoo trying to land a kick. Yifan blocked, swiftly moving to counter.

Kyungsoo found himself having the most fun in years while sparring. None of the other students were at his level, not anymore anyway. The others who were in his age group or older had all gone off to either pursue it professionally or simply left for college.

Yifan’s movements were practiced, technical, with a precision that clearly came from studying multiple forms of fighting. Kyungsoo knew he wasn’t pulling his punches; Yifan really meant it when he said he wanted to get to know Kyungsoo through his style of fighting.

Yifan noticed that Kyungsoo oscillated between proactively aggressive and playfully defensive. Each strike Kyungsoo threw at him clearly had three steps ahead planned out, plus at least three or four backup plans in case it didn’t work out. Kyungsoo sometimes taunted Yifan with his movements; he would bait Yifan into an attack, but the smaller of the two could reposition himself much better than Yifan could.

By the end of their third round they were even on points. Kyungsoo grinned like a madman and Yifan had this pleased look on his face that Kyungsoo wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. At least not until he said--

“I think we’re gonna get along well, Kyung.”

⭑✯⭑

Yifan was right about them getting along; he easily slipped into Kyungsoo and Baekhyun’s friendship. He became the pair’s surrogate father, making sure Baekhyun didn’t get too involved in his harebrained plans for “EPIC ADVENTURES, DUDE!” and helping Kyungsoo find his way back out of his shell.

Baekhyun couldn’t eloquently describe the fondness he felt for Yifan. The fact that since meeting Yifan Kyungsoo started opening up again was the biggest thing Baekhyun noticed. Kyungsoo was more himself again; more snarky and didn’t try to fade into the walls as much. Yifan’s quiet stoicism was a comfort that neither of the teens realized they needed.

One late Friday night, the trio sat in Yifan’s tiny studio apartment, an impressive spread of late night dim sum in front of them. Normally it was just the three of them, but tonight Tao joined them too. The youngest of the group sat awkwardly next to Yifan, eyes shifting between Yifan and Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s eyes sparkled at the food, his fingers wiggled uncontrollably.

“Oh, my god, Yifan, I could seriously kiss you right now.”

“I really would prefer you didn’t.”

“You  _ could _ kiss Tao,” Kyungsoo teased. Tao choked on the dumpling he was gently chewing.

“What the actual fuck, Kyung??” Baekhyun shot his best friend a deadly glare. Kyungsoo just grinned, taking pleasure in the knowledge that Baekhyun had a small crush on Tao and from what Yifan had told him, it seemed like Tao felt the same way.

“I’m just saying, you could, theoretically, kiss Tao. Or Yifan. Or me. But if you try to kiss me I  _ will _ have to punch you.” Baekhyun threw a wad of paper at Kyungsoo who caught it easily, a devilish grin on his face.

“It’s okay Baek, y-you could maybe kiss me. Maybe.” Tao’s face was so red he might as well be a cherry.

“Wh-what?!” It was Baekhyun’s turn to blush furiously now. Yifan and Kyungsoo shared a look of amusement as they continued to eat. Yifan took pity on his younger friends, changing the subject to something Kyungsoo didn’t really pay attention to.

Yifan eventually cracked open a bottle of wine, pouring each of them some in mugs.

“I know y’all are underage, but I hate drinking alone. Besides, wine is meant to be shared.” The three younger just nodded enthusiastically; far be it from them to refuse free booze. Less than 30 minutes later, they were halfway through their second bottle. Kyungsoo, Tao, and Baekhyun were all feeling it while Yifan warmly smiled at them.

“Kyungie, come smoke a cig with me?” Kyungsoo snapped his head to Yifan who wobbled to his feet, extending a large hand to the seated teen. Grabbing onto the offered hand, Kyungsoo felt himself be lifted up and stumbled after Yifan. The towering student produced his pack of cigarettes and lighter, keeping an eye on his small charge who was currently leaning on his small balcony railing. “I figure we should give the two lovebirds some privacy, hm?” Kyungsoo nodded absently. Yifan inhaled deep, savoring the familiar burn of the smoke making its way into his lungs.

“You okay?” Kyungsoo nodded again. “You sure? You’re usually quiet but...not this quiet.”

Kyungsoo stared out at the narrow street down below; he heard the late night revelers a few streets over as they searched for their next adventure. “Should you be smoking, Fannie?”

“Probably not.” A large cloud of smoke dissipated above their heads, only lingering long enough for their eyes to follow its path upwards. “That really the only thing on your mind?”

Kyungsoo shrugged; he wasn’t sure if he should tell Yifan about laying awake at night, the knot in his chest that sometimes constricted his breathing when he thought about trying to be a girl. If he should tell him about how he had been looking into ways to make his breasts disappear. Or about how if it had been a particularly rough day, standing in his bathroom, razor blade in hand, marking lines on his inner thighs, one for each time he felt out of control or worthless. He was marking more lines these days than before.

But he hadn’t even told Baekhyun these things, though Kyungsoo was sure his best friend had his suspicions.

Yifan gave Kyungsoo that look, the one he gave the smaller teen on the first day they met. It didn’t bother Kyungsoo as much anymore. He just knew that he might not like what Yifan was about to tell him. Or it was going to be some of the best advice he’s ever heard.

“Did I ever tell you how I met Tao?” Kyungsoo peered at Yifan and gave his head a shake. “He and my sister used to date. He was the only guy I actually approved of Xiulan dating. He’s a little weird and a total diva, but he treated Xiulan with such respect that it was hard to hate him.” Yifan stared at no place in particular as he continued to take drag after drag of his cigarette. Kyungsoo listened in surprise; Yifan had never mentioned a sister in the month they’ve known each other.

“They broke up, but stayed friends until he moved here. Xiulan wasn’t heartbroken; it was...it was her choice for them to end it. Tao...he’s sensitive, ya know?” A particularly long exhale. “Xiulan wouldn’t tell me what happened for a while. And then I caught her with another girl when I was visiting over spring break.” Another exhale before he lit his next cigarette with the embers of his old one.

“She begged me not to tell our parents. How could I, you know? I was too shocked to be honest.”

Yifan frowned, examined his hands before meeting Kyungsoo’s eyes.

“I found out the girl I caught her with was her girlfriend. She brought her to dinner with our parents and...I guess it didn’t go well. I was in China at the time so...Anyway. I couldn’t be there for her. Some shit happened and--” Kyungsoo heard him huff angrily before he started speaking again.

“Well. I guess what I’m trying to say is--It’s okay. Whatever confusion or worry you’ve got going on. If you want to, I’ll listen. And I know that smartass of a best friend you’ve got will do whatever he can too.” He snuffed out his cigarette and leveled his gaze back to Kyungsoo.

“You’ve got friends who love you, Kyung. If you want to talk, you can. You don’t have to bear whatever’s on your mind alone.”

Kyungsoo avoided making eye contact, opting instead to try and find something extremely interesting on his shoes. He knew Yifan was waiting for him to say something. But Kyungsoo didn’t know how to respond to his story; he’d shared something so personal and Kyungsoo felt like there was more to what happened to his sister than he was letting on.

“I’m--I’m fine. Just. Really, I don’t know why you and Baekhyun are worrying so much.”

“We worry because sometimes you shut us out.”

“I don’t mean to…” A firm hand found its way to Kyungsoo’s shoulder.

“We know. But it makes us worry.”

“I’m just trying to figure some things out. You know...stuff...about me.” Yifan leaned back against the door, an expectant expression on his face. Kyungsoo couldn’t hold back the sigh he released. “I know I’m not normal. And I know, like  _ really, truly _ know, that the way people see me doesn’t match who I am.” He forced himself to make eye contact with Yifan. He felt his lips trembling; he hadn’t realized how badly he needed to talk to someone.

“That..that  _ disconnect _ , it gets to me. ‘Cause in my head I have this vision of who I am, who I just  _ know _ I am, but it doesn’t match how people see me at all.” His eyes shifted to his hands, fiddling with his nails. “Having people ignore or fight me over it...I can’t do it everyday. But I also get so sick--Like, physically sick? If I try and fulfill people’s expectations. Or...I can’t remember some days because I’m trying so hard to be this  _ girl _ that I know I’m not.” Kyungsoo let another sigh through his puffed out lips. “I’m not normal. And I tried really hard but--I just want to figure out a way to let my outsides and insides match. But I can’t. Or at least--At least not right now.”

Yifan pulled his smaller, crying friend into his chest, stroking his hair.

“Thank you.”

“F-for what?”

“For talking to me. You should tell Baekkie too. I know while he might not understand, he will do what he can to support you.” He continued to hold Kyungsoo for a few minutes, letting what he just heard sink in.

He had always suspected Kyungsoo was different, but hearing him describe what he was feeling confirmed it. His mind wandered back to doing research about the LGBTQ+ community with his sister after he found out. His heart tightened at that memory and filled him with dread.

If things turned out so poorly for his sister just being lesbian, he didn’t want to think about what could possibly happen when Kyungsoo finally made his transition. But Yifan was determined to be there as best he could, and maybe Kyungsoo’s story would end better than Xiulan’s.

“Yifan! Are you a fuckin’ chimney or wh--What the fuck, did you make Kyungie cry? If I didn’t know you could kick my ass with your pinkie I’d punch you right now.” Yifan snorted at Baekhyun’s outburst, giving him a very clear middle finger to the face.

“I’m fine, don’t worry Baek,” Kyungsoo grinned from the safety of Yifan’s hold. “We were talking and...I guess I’m drunker than I thought.” He flashed his signature heart shaped smile at his worried friends. Baekhyun stood dumbfounded; he hadn’t seen that genuine of a smile since Minseok. It was odd, but relieving for him to see it again.

His short best friend swayed over to him and pulled him into a tight hug.

“I got some shit to tell you, Baek. Let’s talk soon, okay?” Baekhyun nodded in response, returning the tightness as much as possible.

They headed back inside to find a sleeping Zitao, cradling a stuffed alpaca in his arms.

⭑✯⭑

A few days later Baekhyun was over at Kyungsoo’s house, the two of them just passing time before meeting up with Yifan. Kyungsoo was more restless than usual; he had some fresh scars on his inner thighs and the humidity was making wearing anything other than shorts extremely uncomfortable. Baekhyun was sprawled on Kyungsoo’s bed, flipping through the latest issue of _ Shonen Jump _ with one eye on his best friend.

“Would you  _ stop _ ? I can’t read when you’re picking at yourself like that.” Kyungsoo stopped fidgeting and muttered a half hearted apology. “Why are you even wearing pants? It’s like, 90 degrees out there.”

“I don’t...I haven’t shaved in like 3 weeks so I’m super hairy.” Baekhyun raised a skeptical eyebrow. They both knew Kyungsoo didn’t give a shit about whether or not his legs were shaved. “Okay...okay fine. I’ll change.” Kyungsoo grabbed some running shorts and slipped into his bathroom. His fingers shook as he pulled down his jeans, being careful to not rip off any of the bandages. Once he had the running shorts on, he slowly opened the door, trying desperately to pull the shorts over the scars he had.

Baekhyun didn’t notice anything at first, but then he saw the taped down gauze and he froze. Kyungsoo looked around, picking absently at his cuticles.

“Jesus, Kyung…” Baekhyun put down the magazine and pulled Kyungsoo next to him. “What happened? What--did you--?”

“Yeah…it helps.” Kyungsoo played with the hem of the shorts. “But, this is what I wanted to talk to you about, I guess.” Baekhyun patted the spot next to him. They had time before Yifan showed up.

“Remember when I was like, 7? And I kept trying to get everyone to call me a boy and to just call me ‘Kyung’?” Baekhyun remembered. He remembered it well. “Well, uhm, well. I know now that I wasn’t confused or wrong or pretending. I’m pretty sure I’m a boy. Like. Maybe 99% sure?”

Baekhyun nodded again, his expression open, willing his friend to keep talking. He was having a hard time controlling the nervousness and hope that was doing a tango in his chest, but he wanted to know;  _ needed _ to know what was causing Kyungsoo to hurt himself the way he was.

“But...I’m so scared, Baek. I’m so scared of what people will think if I come out. I’m not normal and I just. Sometimes I look in the mirror and there’s just such...there’s such a different person staring back at me.” His small hands balled up, nails biting into his palms. “And when I have to  _ pretend  _ that I’m a girl, that I’m  _ Kyunghui _ , not Kyung, I feel so sick.” Baek tried to put a hand on his friend’s thigh, tried to offer comfort, but Kyungsoo shrank away. “I can’t--The feeling doesn’t stop. But. I guess. I guess when I make a mark, when I--”

Kyungsoo covered his face, trying to stay composed; he needed Baekhyun to understand. He needed Baek to hear what he was trying to say. He needed someone to be in his corner. He needed his best friend.

When Baekhyun pulled him into a hug, he didn’t pull away.

“When you do this to yourself, it makes you feel like you’re in control,” Baekhyun whispered into Kyungsoo’s hair. The smaller nodded, hands still covering his face. “Does anyone else know?” A shake of his friend’s head told Baekhyun his answer.

“Would you be willing to talk to someone?” Kyungsoo shuddered. “Okay. But will you be willing to tell me, maybe, if you feel like hurting yourself? I don’t think I’d be too great at stopping you feeling that way, but maybe--Maybe I can help distract you?”

“I don’t want to worr--”

“I’ll worry either way. At least this way we can work together. Like brothers. Right? We’re brothers, brothers forever!” Baekhyun gave Kyungsoo a big grin. “Calling you sister never seemed right, and since you’re a guy anyway, I guess that makes you my brother.” Baekhyun started giggling, unable to contain his glee. “I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but Kyungie, I’ve known you for so long, and you’ve always been in limbo when it came to your identity, but you  _ know _ , you  _ know _ now! And. And I’m so excited. I want to be here for you. I’ll fucking fight anybody who tries to tell you otherwise.” Slowly a smile started to creep along Kyungsoo’s face too; seeing how excited Baekhyun, his  _ best friend _ , the person who mattered most to him, was and was happy for him.

“I’m serious, though. Whenever you feel like hurting yourself, just, I don’t know. Call me? Or text me? Please?” He brushed Kyungsoo’s bangs out of the smaller’s eyes. “I love you, man. And seeing you in pain hurts me too. If I can help, I want to.”

Kyungsoo managed a nod, avoiding Baekhyun’s gaze. He had no intention of calling Baekhyun when he felt like he had no control, but maybe, maybe he’d consider it if it would help Baekhyun feel like he was helping.

“I'll try. I'll call or text or something.”

“We can look up ways to help you feel better! And maybe once you're ready, maybe we can find someone for you to talk to?” Baekhyun looked at Kyungsoo with such hope it was infectious. The fact that Baekhyun wasn't judging him or lecturing him outright made the younger teen feel more accepted, more respected. Kyungsoo was sure that if he had told anyone other than Baekhyun they would have immediately recommended he be put in a straitjacket. So at least there's that.

It wasn't long after for Yifan to text them to come meet him outside. He lifted both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo into a bone crushing hug before ushering them into his car.

“What are we doing today Fannie?”

“I’ve got a surprise for our dear Kyungie. Something that I think could help with your problem.” Yifan grinned at Kyungsoo through the rearview mirror who returned a small smile. “Does, uh, Baek know?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a brother!” Baekhyun still had a wide smirk plastered to his face. “Right, Kyung?” Both boys looked at the youngest of their group, watching him expectantly. It’d been awhile since Kyungsoo found himself at the center of positive attention. He blushed from his feet to the tips of his ears.

“By the way,” Yifan started cautiously, “This might be too fast, and if it is, just tell me, but, do you want us to start using a different name? Or just call you ‘Kyung’ like we have or--” The eldest barely noticed his pitch rising.

“Yifan, calm down, you’re going to make my ears bleed. I’m not sure yet. Just keep calling me Kyung for now, I guess?” Kyungsoo smiled shyly at his hands. Even though he knew had a lot of obstacles in front of him, the anxiety was subsiding, letting him feel how loved he was by his two friends. They continued driving, talking excitedly until they arrived at Yifan’s apartment.

“I’ve been doing research,” Yifan declared after a few minutes. “Until you get surgery, if you decide to get surgery that is, you can wear something called a binder to minimize your boobs. It’s like, an extreme sports bra?” Baekhyun and Kyungsoo peered over his broad shoulders at the website he was on.

“I have to...train myself? To wear it? That’s...intense.” Kyungsoo leaned back, away from Yifan and Baekhyun, nervous.

“Yeah, but, remember what you were telling me? Maybe this will help with that disconnect.” Baekhyun slipped his hand into Kyungsoo’s, trying to help offer comfort.

“Damn, there’s so many different gender identities.” Yifan was scrolling again, eyes wide, fascinated by everything he was reading. “The most common for people who were bor--er, assigned? I guess?” He looked at Kyungsoo for confirmation; Kyungsoo could only manage a shrug. He was just as overwhelmed as his friends were.

“Well, I guess the two most common labels or whatever are ‘afab’ or ‘ftm.’” Baekhyun leaned over Yifan now, reading what Yifan just said.

“I’ve heard ftm--that’s female to male right?” Yifan nodded to Kyungsoo. “And afab…?”

“Assigned female at birth,” Baekhyun confirmed.

“Hmm. Afab feels better. I’ve never really fully felt like a girl, so I guess that fits better.”

“You don’t have to decide now, of course. Like, it’s a spectrum and you’re just now coming out and there’s just  _ so much _ to learn.” Kyungsoo nodded again and took a seat on Yifan’s bed.

“Is there a LGBTQ center in our city? Maybe they have a teen group,” Baekhyun asked, keeping an eye on Kyungsoo. He grabbed a water bottle and tossed it to Kyungsoo. Yifan typed away furiously, eyebrows furrowed.

“There isn’t one here, but there’s one...shit, are you fucking kidding me?”

“What?” Both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun leaned back towards Yifan. Yifan looked up, disappointment clear on his face.

“The closest center is two hours away by car.” Yifan pushed away from his computer and looked at his two friends. “We could take a day trip out there if you want. They probably have more information than we’d be able to find. Do you want to do that, Kyung?” Baekhyun sat down next to Kyungsoo, while Yifan scooted closer.

“It’s--this is all very fast.” Kyungsoo choked out. His head was spinning; there was so much he didn’t know, so much he wasn’t ready for yet. Binders? Surgery? How was he supposed to even afford that? But...the center. He wasn’t ready yet, he still felt like an outsider inside his own body, but maybe if there were other teens like him, other people who had gone through what he’s going through, maybe he could find a community. He was having a hard time processing everything. He had read other people’s blogs about their struggles to figure out their gender identity, but he had never thought about actually meeting anyone else like him. That anxiety that was a permanent resident of his mind started chattering away again.  _ They won’t like you, you’re not  _ **_really_ ** _ a part of their community _ , one particularly loud voice told Kyungsoo. He gripped the hem of his shirt tightly, trying to anchor himself in reality rather than letting his anxiety get the best of him.

Baekhyun sensed that Kyungsoo was going too deep in his head, worrying too much. He knew it was a spiral that was hard to pull Kyungsoo out of once he started. So he did what usually worked: he started rubbing circles in the small of Kyungsoo’s back. Yifan held Kyungsoo’s hands in his, hoping this combination will anchor him. Kyungsoo shook his head after finding his way back out.

“Can you send me the information about the center? I want to look at.” Yifan nodded. Kyungsoo then steered them towards their usual activities: playing video games and daring each other to eat dumb things.

Later that night, Kyungsoo brought up the center’s website. He read through everything he could find on their website. Their next meeting for trans teens was the next week. He made a note of it, already thinking of what kind of excuse he would need so he could borrow the car for the day. When he asked his mom, she didn’t even ask for a reason, she just told him to have some fun and to text her when he thought he would be getting home.

The day came and Kyungsoo drove the two hours alone to the center, anxious but excited. In his excitement, he ended up arriving 20 minutes early. He found a cafe to nervously while away the time until it was time. When he walked into the center he was greeted by a small girl with a bright smile and a pixie cut.

“Hi there! Welcome to the Yun Hyun-soek Center! Can I help you?” Kyungsoo shifted nervously and thought about turning on his heel and just leaving and never coming back. But the girl seemed to know (she had probably seen that deer in the headlights look many times), and took pity, walking out from behind her desk and offered Kyungsoo a hand. “I’m Amber. If it’s your first time here, I can show you around.” Kyungsoo hesitantly shook her hand, the anxiety that was idly waiting starting to bubble up.

“So what’s your name?” She led him towards a hallway lined with different LGBTQ+ icons and posters with resources and brochures in neat rows. Kyungsoo was in awe. He forgot for a second that his host was waiting for a response.

“Oh, uhm.” What  _ was _ his name? It wasn’t Kyunghui, that was for someone who never really existed in Kyungsoo’s mind. He liked the Kyung part--it helped that most of his close friends already used ‘Kyung’ as his nickname--but he wanted it to still honor his family, somehow. “Kyung...soo. Uhm, my name’s Kyungsoo.” A knowing smiled passed over Amber’s face and she bobbed her head in understanding.

“Alright, Kyungsoo. Welcome. This hallway is where most of our brochures and things are.” She pointed to a corkboard. “There’re community events and our regular group meetings on that calendar there.” She walked Kyungsoo to a couple rooms; one had its door open and held some other teens in various degrees of gender presentation and a couple of early 20-something adults sitting around a round table. For the most part, the teens talked amongst themselves while the older adults flipped through binders, clearly waiting. Amber stepped into the room with little fanfare and motioned for Kyungsoo to follow.

“Hey, Jonghyun! Yoona! I’m showing Kyungsoo here around and since you’re about to meet, how about...they?” Amber looked at Kyungsoo for confirmation.

“He, please.” Kyungsoo whispered, fighting the blush creeping up his neck. The two older were good at maintaining a kind, welcoming poker face; if they had any potentially negative thoughts about this little gayby, they hid them well.

“How about he joins you?” Amber smiled that friendly smile again and Yoona returned it.

“Of course! We always have room for new people.” She clapped her hands together before extending one out to Kyungsoo. “Welcome! I’m Yoona and he’s Jonghyun. Today we’re talking about passing and dealing with less than accepting parents, since all of us here unfortunately have at least a little bit of experience with both those things.” Yoona had her hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder, gently leading him further into the room. Most of the teens had stopped their conversations now and were regarding him quietly. There wasn’t any malice from them, some judgement, but for the most part Kyungsoo felt safe.

There was a ringleader, he could tell. There always was a ringleader in groups and this one was no different. The only difference was this leader was a gorgeously androgynous creature whose doe eyes and pretty lips were going to haunt Kyungsoo to his final days. From their discussions he found out that this beautiful human was named Luhan and they preferred gender neutral pronouns since they felt at home living in the uncomfortable grey area between male and female and, wow, did Kyungsoo want to be accepted from the moment he laid eyes on Luhan.

All the other teens there revolved around Luhan. Luhan was Jonghyun’s little brother’s friend who had started volunteering at the center was he was 13. They was considered to be probably the most seasoned and wise of the bunch and they commanded respect that was usually reserved for their elders. It also turned out Luhan knew Zitao, albeit tangentially since they had dated Zitao’s friend of a friend.

Kyungsoo was smitten. He couldn’t tell you what they talked about specifically in that meeting, but he could describe down to the last detail what Luhan was wearing.

Luhan knew the effect they had on gaybies; it was probably their favorite charm. They liked being the relatable, yet untouchable, wise androgynous enby. They liked the attention even more than mentoring the gaybies. They took Kyungsoo in as their newest mentee, convincing Kyungsoo to accompany them afterward to this “really cute cafe, with some really great pastries and tea selection.”

Yeah, Kyungsoo was totally smitten.

They started chatting, but as soon as Kyungsoo ever tried to arrange hanging out again, Luhan would shoot him down. They was always busy, always organizing for the cause, always trying to prove their activist worth. Kyungsoo admired that, but it made him feel lesser somehow, like he wasn’t valid because he was only out to his friends and didn’t live full-time as male yet. When Kyungsoo voiced his doubts to Luhan, they only told him it was because Kyungsoo needed to live in his truth and say fuck it to what society thought.

Sometimes Luhan told Kyungsoo about how they purposely didn’t eat because it made them feel more in touch with ‘the struggle’ of past activists and how they also cut to feel more in control. But while Kyungsoo felt conflicted about the self-harm,--he felt compelled to cut only when life spun out of control--Luhan celebrated it. Their scars were badges that were meant to be strategically hidden and displayed so people would know their investment and dedication to the cause. It made Kyungsoo uncomfortable, but who was he to say anything? He was just a sheltered teen trying to figure out the best way to come out to his parents.

As the weeks dragged on, both Baekhyun and Yifan told him that while Luhan may be the ethereal enby of his dreams, they was just using Kyungsoo to bolster their ego. Kyungsoo didn't want to believe it; Luhan really was a great listener and they gave really good advice too. And it was nice to have someone who understood, even minimally, the confusion he felt. Luhan claimed to never have felt major dysphoria, but they did say they never felt more at home than being a genderfuck and confusing the cissys, short for cisgender, as they liked to call anyone who wasn't trans or genderqueer.

The more he talked to Luhan, the more Kyungsoo realized they really had no real interest outside having Kyungsoo as a minion or to look up to them. He became increasingly more frustrated with Luhan’s unwillingness to help him better understand the community he was a part of. Kyungsoo wanted to be normal, to know that his identity was valid, and just fit in somewhere, anywhere. Everything he had heard and read said that while passing wasn’t the most important thing, passing could make life easier. And that’s all Kyungsoo wanted. Luhan, however, rejected this and told Kyungsoo that being non-passing was more of a protest than anything else.

Kyungsoo soon realized that Luhan’s lifestyle wasn’t wrong; it just wasn’t for him. Once he came to terms with the fact he would never be their type, Kyungsoo was able to accept that he’d learned a lot from Luhan about what it meant to carve out your own space when the world constantly made you feel undervalued.

He did talk to other teens in the group over those passing days, and they all had their own stories of how they came to terms with their identities. They all agreed that while Luhan was admirable in their steadfast fight to reject what society deemed acceptable, some of the others felt it was more important to find out what it meant to  _ live _ genuinely. One girl who was in the middle of transitioning told Kyungsoo about how at first she just wanted to give the world a big fuck you for dealing her that deck. She told Kyungsoo about how when she met Luhan, the two of them would go to protests, would swap clothes, and that they really made her feel welcome. But soon she realized she wanted to be less radical, to make her own identity outside of her activism.

Another was like Kyungsoo; assigned female at birth but from early on felt more at home living as a boy. Unlike Kyungsoo, though, he told Kyungsoo he never felt extreme hatred for his body.

“This is my body. It’s not perfect and I’ll admit sometimes my breasts frustrate me, but my body isn’t wrong,” Lay calmly explained to him over Skype one night. “People just read me wrong sometimes and that sucks. But, like, I’ve been getting better at presenting as masc most of the time.”

Kyungsoo went to only a couple other meetings. The drive was just too long and since many of the other teens and also Jonghyun were willing to talk to him outside of the meetings, it didn’t make sense to him. Baekhyun and Yifan were always mildly disappointed they couldn’t join him, but secretly were so happy to see their friend start to figure things out.

Kyungsoo started the long and clumsy task of coming out to more and more people. He got more comfortable with correcting people, with explaining what his identity meant to people. That he wasn’t different than before, he just was starting to match the outside with the inside. Some people were confused and just slowly faded from Kyungsoo’s life. Others outright rejected this notion and Kyungsoo did what he could to remove them from his life. All through it Baekhyun, Yifan, Zitao, and even Junmyeon supported him, even surprising him with his very first binder.

The only people left for Kyungsoo to tell were his parents. Baekhyun and Yifan helped him make a plan. They read through all the brochures Kyungsoo had smuggled, read through all the websites and other stories from people who came out as well. They then discussed worse case scenarios, not in depth, since both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo were confident that his parents wouldn’t kick him out. Yifan stayed quiet during these conversations, a familiar sense of dread simmering just below the surface.

A couple weeks after establishing their plan, Kyungsoo stood in front of his bathroom mirror, staring himself in the face. He was in a checkered button-down with a tie sloppily hanging around his neck. He wore the binder Yifan bought him and his breasts that always caused him so much distress were hidden for now. His hair was short and styled up.

He could cry; he looked like  _ himself _ . He wasn’t as manly as he would like, but he looked the way he always wanted. Like this, he didn’t care about his feminine lips or doe eyes. With a proper haircut and a binder, he felt so at home, so  _ right. _

Someone knocked loudly on the door, startling himself out of his reverie. He pulled it open to a grinning Baekhyun and a pleased looking Yifan.

“Holy shit, Kyungie! You look so fucking good!” Baekhyun scooped his best friend into a giant hug, smothering him.

“Jesus, get offa me, Baek.” Kyungsoo knew his ears were bright red, the amused smile on Yifan’s face only confirmed it.

“You do look great, Kyung.” Yifan stepped up to Kyungsoo now. Kyungsoo craned his neck to look up to his face. There was a shadow of something there, that shadow that was always there. He reached out, running his large hand down Kyungsoo’s arm to hold his hand. “They’ll still love you, I’m sure of it.” Kyungsoo tucked his chin into his chest, peering up at his friends through his lashes.

“Thanks...for being here.” He cleared his throat before meeting their encouraging looks. “Thank you for being so...understanding? Like. I know. What’s going on isn’t normal, but really. Thank you.” He felt his lip quivering and he tried to will himself to stop being such a sap. Not right before his big meeting with his family. There would be plenty of time for that after he finally told his parents.

“Kyunghui? Honey, where are you?” The three exchanged excited and terrified looks with one another.

“I’m in my room, mom.” The trio exited into Kyungsoo’s room. He fiddled nervously with the hem of his shirt while staring at the tops of his shoes. He felt an arm slip protectively around his waist, startling him as he looked up to see Yifan looking more determined than Kyungsoo had ever seen him. His other hand was grasped tightly by Baekhyun.

Two heavy sets of footsteps approached his open door. Kyungsoo did his best to slow his breathing lest he passed out from hyperventilation. Both the hand and the arm tightened, a gesture that was meant to be reassuring, but made Kyungsoo even more nervous. His parents stood in the doorway, confused expressions on their faces.

“Mom. Dad. Uhm. Could. Could you sit down?” Kyungsoo shook; he was sure if Yifan and Baekhyun weren’t holding him up he would have fallen down.

Time slowed down, Kyungsoo was sure it did, while his parents shuffled over to his bed, regarding the three teenagers in front of them with the most stoic expressions Kyungsoo had ever seen on their faces. Yifan’s hand moved from Kyungsoo’s waist to his hand, stroking soothing circles while Baekhyun held his other in both hands. Kyungsoo took a deep breath; it was now or never. And never wasn’t an option.

“Mom. Dad. I. I, uh, I have something I need to tell you.” A squeeze from both his friends.

“You know how I’ve...always been different? It’s...it’s because I’m...I’m a boy. I’m not a girl the way everyone thinks. I’m not. It just. It feels wrong to say I’m a girl.” Kyungsoo couldn’t bring himself to meet his parents’ eyes. He could feel them boring into him, he could hear his mother’s breathing catch in her throat. He didn’t need to see his father’s face to know there was no emotion there.

“I know...I know it’s a lot to take in. I just. I hope you know that I’m still your child. Just...more me? I know this might take some time. But, please, I--”

“I have a daughter.” Kyungsoo flinched at the sound of his father’s voice. He finally looked up; his mother was crying quietly and his father was the eye of a hurricane. All the air from his lungs was punched out by that sight; his lips quivered as Baekhyun pulled him close and Yifan held tighter onto the small hand in his.

“You have a son. An amazing son that you’ve always had and you just didn’t know.” Yifan’s voice was firm.

“You have no say in this,  _ child _ . This is a family matter.” Kyungsoo shrunk against his friends, knowing what was coming next. His father’s tone was icy and cut Kyungsoo to the bone. “You’ve always been so confused. We’ve indulged you. We did everything. We let you explore whatever nonsense you wanted, but this goes too far.” He regarded the three young men standing in front of him, disgust barely disguised. Kyungsoo could feel the hatred and anger bubbling just beneath his collected surface. “I suggest you find somewhere else--No, let me talk, Kyungmi. I won’t have  _ this _ \--” He gestured vaguely at Kyungsoo. “I won’t have it. Find somewhere else to be a disappointment.” Kyungsoo’s father stood immediately, leveled his disappointed gaze at Kyungsoo and left.

“Mom?” Kyungsoo knew he was crying as he reached out for his mother; her face in her hands, shoulders shaking. “Mom, please…” His hand wavered, the pain of his father’s previous rejection causing him to hold back from trying to pull her into a hug like he wanted. The seconds stretched, everyone in the room painfully aware this could end horribly. Kyungsoo gave up hope that even one of his parents would accept him.

Then a tear soaked hand grabbed his. His mother’s eyes reflected the confusion and worry and sadness and hope and relief that Kyungsoo was feeling.

“Mom--”

“I still love you. But. I don’t--I don’t completely understand. I’ll try. I still love you. You’re my child, but I don’t understand.” There was so much pain in her face, so much worry. “I don’t know about your father, but you’re still my--my baby.” She clutched onto Kyungsoo’s hands like they were the only anchor in the world. Her voice shook the whole time, but Kyungsoo knew what she was saying was true.

“Baby, I--I love you, but.”

“B-but, what, mama?” Kyungsoo was seven again, begging his mom to call him “Kyung,” to let him play with the other boys, to just let him be the little boy he always knew he was; instead of being indignant, he was terrified.

“I think you’re going to need to stay somewhere else until I can get through to your father.” Yifan and Baekhyun were there immediately, holding Kyungsoo. He didn’t know when he fell to his knees, he didn’t know what to do or what to feel. He couldn’t hear anything after his mother told him to go, only the sound of his heart dropping through his stomach.

He still can’t quite remember the minutes between his mother telling him to leave and packing his overnight bags.

Later Yifan and Baekhyun would tell him that he had somehow given his almost hysterical mother a hug, assuring her that he still loved her dearly. Somehow he had helped his friends grab enough clothes for a week or two and shoved them in a bag. Somehow he calmed down enough to walk down the stairs and to Yifan’s waiting car.

He was silent the whole ride. Baekhyun had his arm around Kyungsoo’s shoulders the whole time, telling him that his mom loved him and his dad was just being an asshole, it’ll be okay, he could stay with Yifan and Baekhyun as long as he needed. Kyungsoo was only passively aware of his head nodding along. He could feel Yifan’s gaze on him the whole drive home, worried and resigned.

“Kyungie? Who do you want to stay with first?” Baekhyun rubbed his smaller friend’s shoulders, hoping it’ll bring some sort of comfort.

“Yi-Yifan.” He could tell they were both surprised by that. “If--If that’s okay.”

“Of course it is. I have an extra futon. I’ll sleep on that.”

“You don’t have to, Fannie. I don’t mind--”

“You’ll sleep in my bed, okay? You need it more than me tonight.” Kyungsoo knew that was the end of that, so he kept his mouth shut. Baekhyun refused to go home until Kyungsoo was satisfactorily settled into Yifan’s tiny apartment. Yifan pulled out his futon, throwing blankets and pillows onto it. Kyungsoo stood awkwardly close by, his bags piled at his feet. When Yifan realized his friend was making no moves towards the bed, he sat down on the edge and dragged his catatonic friend into his arms and into his lap.

“It’s going to be okay.”

“Is it? Because it doesn’t feel that way.”

“Well, okay, it’s going to fucking suck. Your parents are going to fight about this every night until either one of them leaves or they come to accept you.” He brushed a stray hair from Kyungsoo’s face. “Hopefully that will be sooner rather than later.”

Kyungsoo buried his face into the crook of Yifan’s neck, tears threatening to spill again.

“You can cry, Soo. You’re safe here. You know I would never judge you for this. Or anything.” Baekhyun had told Yifan about Kyungsoo’s weakness for being petted, so he started doing just that. The smaller boy snuggled closer, tears coming quickly now. “Baekhyun and I are here for you. And when you’re ready, I’m sure more of our friends than you’d expect are here for you.” He’s met with silence.

“I promise, for as long as I can be, I’ll be here, physically, and once I have to leave, I’ll only be a phone call away, okay? I’m not going to let you feel unloved.”

Kyungsoo nuzzled further into Yifan’s chest, shuddering breaths wracking his body.

“My dad--He just  _ kicked _ me out. To his son, his flesh and blood.”

“I know.”

“He didn't even--” a sob stopped him from continuing.

“I know,” Yifan whispered. He flashed back to the phone call he got from his sister; he could still hear her heartbreak and pain. That pain, that sadness was reflected in Kyungsoo in that moment and it tore Yifan apart.

They lay like that for a while, trying to ease their pain with each other’s warmth.

“Fanfan…” He hummed in response. “What...what happened to your sister?”

Yifan’s petting halted immediately, white noise filling his ears.

“Uhm, I'm not sure that's a story you should hear. Not right now.”

“Did your parents kick her out too?”

“Soo...please. It's still hard--I'm not completely--” He didn't notice how tightly he held Kyungsoo against him, or that his face was now buried in his friend’s hair.

And that's when Kyungsoo put two and two together.

“She...passed away, didn't she?” It was Yifan’s turn to sob. “I’m sorry, I didn’t--”

“No, it’s okay. It’s--It was just last year. It was an accident but that doesn’t change anything.” Yifan took deep breaths, trying to slow his erratic heart. “It was after an argument with our parents. They--Words that you can’t take back. I. She--She left the house, to go see her girlfriend, and--” Kyungsoo held his older friend closer. “I’m sorry. I just. I miss her still. And I don’t want your story to end the same way. Even. Even if she died because of an idiot driving who didn’t see her.” Yifan returned the hug. “She died  _ alone _ . She was in the hospital and they wouldn’t come see--Our parents didn’t even go to the hospital until they  _ made  _ them come collect her. Even when their--I couldn’t afford a plane ticket home and they told me it didn’t matter--but it  _ matters _ , she was my sister.” Yifan was shaking now, his anguish seeping through. He tightened Kyungsoo’s embrace as he slowed his sobs. He never had a real opportunity to talk about what had happened with anyone; Zitao was just as heartbroken still.

“I know--I know it seems weird, but--but you remind me so much of her. For completely different reasons; but you’re--you’re so similar. So strong, so stubborn, and so fucking  _ blind _ to some things.” He gave Kyungsoo that same strange smile as he mindlessly rubbed circles into his smaller friend’s back. He sighed into Kyungsoo’s neck. Kyungsoo shivered at the feeling of warm air on his skin.

“I just want to make sure you’re safe. And if you need a home, you can stay here as long as you need. Even after I leave if you need. Okay?” Kyungsoo tried to protest but Yifan just shook his head. “This can be your home. I think you should obviously try to figure things out with your parents, but if that doesn’t work, you have options.”

Yifan sat up, rubbing the dried tears and snot on his shirt sleeve. He grabbed some tissues and started cleaning up Kyungsoo’s red face. After he finished, he got up and brought back some water bottles.

“You’re going to be okay, Soo. Your mom is on your side. She’ll help you with your dad, okay?” Kyungsoo wasn’t sure if Yifan was saying that more to comfort his friend or himself. Yifan pulled the shorter back into his lap, leaning against his headboard. “Let’s sleep now. We can worry about everything else tomorrow.” With a nod, Kyungsoo snuggled under the covers, glad to have Yifan, even if the weight on his chest wasn’t easing.

Kyungsoo woke up the next morning tangled in Yifan’s absurdly long limbs, trapped in a koala hug and face smooshed into his alpaca plushie. With a groan, he tried to disentangle himself, but Yifan just tightened his hold. Kyungsoo tried not to think about what Baekhyun would say if he saw this right now.

And as if he lived in Kyungsoo’s head, Kyungsoo’s phone started vibrating, that familiar caller ID flashing.

“Hey, Baek.”

“Oh good, you’re awake. I’m outside Yifan’s door and I have coffee and pastries and tea for you, you pompous ass.” Kyungsoo snorted. “That’s your cue to open the door, Kyung.”

Kyungsoo grunted loudly. “I can’t get up. Fannie has me in some kind of koala death grip.” Baekhyun’s laughter could be heard through both the phone and through Yifan’s door. “I’m serious! I think he’s going to squeeze me to death, Baek.”

“Well, like, fucking elbow him? The coffee's getting cold, Kyung.” There was a loud  _ thunkthunkthunk _ from the door, Baekhyun signaling his impatience.

“Okay, okay,” grumbled Kyungsoo. He squirmed and flailed, before finally making enough room for himself to slip out of Yifan’s grasp. He padded over to the door, flinging it open, revealing a disgruntled Baekhyun.

“Finally. Here,” Baekhyun forced the drinks and pastries into Kyungsoo’s hands and marched to the sleeping Yifan. “Wake up, I want to drink hot coffee and talk with the two of you.” Baekhyun had the innocent alpaca plushie raised above his head and promptly smashed it against Yifan’s face. The eldest flung an arm out, trying and failing to grab onto Baekhyun’s wrist.

“The fuck was that? Kyungsoo! We’re under attack!” The younger pair giggled at Yifan’s reaction before pulling him out of bed.

“Baekhyun brought us breakfast,” Kyungsoo mumbled around a mouthful of bearclaw. The three boys sat at the same table as they did only a few weeks prior with Zitao. Between bites and drinks, they made a plan on where Kyungsoo would be staying. Yifan was adamant about Kyungsoo feeling welcome to stay as long as he needed, but both Baekhyun and Kyungsoo reminded him that his apartment was small and shitty and Baekhyun’s parents already agreed to let their son’s oldest friend stay for a while.

They talked at length about how to re-approach Kyungsoo’s parents, especially his dad. Kyungsoo was resistant to trying again so soon and his friends agreed. After a while, they agreed that he should at least meet with his mom to try and talk things out.

Kyungsoo stayed with Yifan for a week and a half before switching to Baekhyun’s. Throughout the days he started contacting his mom more, trying to figure out the best way to ease his father into letting him back. Another week passed until Kyungsoo’s mom called him, begging him to come home.

“Mama, I don’t know if that’s a good idea…”

“ _ I don’t care, I want my son home where he belongs _ .” Kyungsoo’s heart soared hearing those words from his mom. “ _ Your father’s being an idiot and I told him if he can’t accept his own child he should accept living alone. _ ”

“What’d he say to that?” Kyungsoo imagined his mom laying down the law with his father; he probably still wasn’t completely behind the idea, but losing his wife was definitely worse than having a daughter who said she was a boy.

“ _ Well...well, he didn’t take kindly to it. He’s living in his office right now _ .” Kyungsoo felt his heart growing heavier. “ _ Don’t worry about that--having you home, that’s what’s important, okay? Especially for your junior year. Okay? I’ll come pick you up from Baekkie’s this Friday. _ ”

And so Kyungsoo moved home. For a time his dad made an effort to use proper pronouns, even using Kyungsoo’s chosen name. But old habits die hard and prejudices die even harder. The comments started out small, so subtle no one noticed at first, until he was outrightly misgendering and using the wrong name. Both Kyungsoo and his mom tried to be kind and understanding, but he didn’t change.

And so, Kyungsoo did what he could to take control; his core group of friends already knew and had adjusted their behavior accordingly and he was trying to work with his school to make sure his transition there would be as painless as possible.

The summer quickly passed and warm days made way for crisp air and bright reds and oranges adorning trees. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Yifan ignored the elephant in the room: Yifan was due to leave in mid-August. Over the course of only a few months Kyungsoo had figured out how to live his truth, to take the first painfully awkward steps to live fully as ‘Kyungsoo’ instead of ‘Kyunghui.’

But now one of the most important members of his support group was leaving. They all knew it was happening, but if you asked any of them at the end of May how close they were going to be, they all would have laughed. Yifan’s departure date crept faster and faster and the trio continually refused to acknowledge what it was going to do to their group.

But even with all their avoidance, Yifan had to leave and go back to China. He hosted a small goodbye party and they all promised to keep in touch and Skype as often as possible. Baekhyun watched as the look of concern grew more and more evident on Yifan’s face. Towards the end of the night when Kyungsoo was distracted by Zitao and Junmyeon, Yifan dragged Baekhyun onto his patio.

“Baek, I need you to do something for me.” Yifan’s face was serious; his eyebrows met in the middle of his face and his normally quirked smile was missing.

“Yeah, sure, man, anything.” Baekhyun glanced back inside. Kyungsoo was still too absorbed in his conversation to have noticed anything.

“Keep an eye on Kyungsoo, okay?--I don’t mean like you normally don’t, but. But you know how he is. He’s always so worried and--” Yifan dragged a hand down his face. When he wasn’t joking around or making a fool of himself, Yifan actually looked his age and for some reason it surprised Baekhyun. “Just. Don’t let Kyungsoo feel alone. I don’t think he could handle feeling more alone than he already does.”

“Of course. I’ll make sure he knows we got his back.” Yifan nodded as Baekhyun pulled him into a hug. “Stop worrying about us, okay? We got this. We can totally handle this. And if not, we’ll figure it out.” Baekhyun grinned sadly at his taller friend. “It’ll be rough without you, but I think we’ll be okay.”

Yifan left for China and Baekhyun sincerely hoped he could be enough for Kyungsoo.

⭑✯⭑

Kyungsoo had his back against a locker, again, for probably the third time that day. After a good three months of daily tauntings, he was tired of this  _ bullshit _ , but the last time he tried to stand up for himself, he got suspended for a day with 4 hours of detention. What kind of crappy administration gave out punishment to the _ victim _ and not the perpetrators? Apparently Kyungsoo’s school. They maintained he was “disturbing the learning environment” by defending himself.

Such bullshit.

So here he was, surrounded by three of the biggest members of the baseball team, the pitcher’s hand squarely on his chest, a disgusting leer on his face.

“Look, it’s the lil’  _ pussy _ trying to be a real boy.” The loathing was clear as day, from the way he scanned Kyungsoo up and down to the way he snarled each word. Kyungsoo wouldn’t put it past the dick spitting in his face. “Are you a  _ real  _ boy? You got a dick? ‘Cause I heard when Minseok fucked you, you had a tight, we--”

Kyungsoo didn’t let him finish. He didn’t need the reminder of that.

“I’m more of a real man than you’ll ever be, you fucking asshole!” Kyungsoo spat on his attacker’s feet. His blood was boiling, he needed to get out of there before he did any more damage to himself, or to the jocks who decided to physically assault him.

The other two were on him in moments, their friend screaming about his now bloody nose.

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Hanbin, it’s just a little blood. Or are you such a pussy you can’t handle a little blood?” Kyungsoo taunted his tormentor, even when his lackeys were holding him to the lockers. One of them landed a punch solidly in his ribs, causing him to cough. It didn’t hurt as much as some of the other hits Kyungsoo’d been on the receiving end of, but really, what did that matter when this happened everyday?

“Hey! Wankpuffins! Step off!” The trio swiveled around to see a fuming Baekhyun flanked by Junmyeon, Zitao, and Jessica. “Get the fuck out of here. Or do you want the coach to know his three favorites are suspended for getting into a fight?” Junmyeon stretched out, showing off his newly obtained muscles. Zitao glowered while Jessica glared, eyebrows perfectly arched in a challenge that was undeniable.

They let Kyungsoo go, none too gently though, getting a couple cheap shots in there.

“We’ll get you later, you fucking twink!”

“Knowing what a twink is invalidates your insult, prick!” Kyungsoo yelled after him. He was shaking, he knew; his friends were next to him now, panicked expressions on their faces. Kyungsoo leaned back on the locker, sliding down, a low groan slipping through.

“Kyung, are you okay? Do you need the nurse? Do you have water? Jesus, fuck, they’re getting so much worse.”

“How can the teachers not do  _ anything _ ?” Jessica looked like she wanted nothing more than to rip everyone to shreds.

“Because they don’t want to deal with the fallout.” Junmyeon dug through his backpack, looking for some juice to give Kyungsoo. “They only care that the school continues to have a good reputation.”

“Wouldn’t backing up a bullied kid be a good way to do that?” Jessica was ready to fight, ready to burn down the school and everyone walking by knew it.

“Not if the kid is considered broken or wrong, or just...fucking... _ worthless _ .” Kyungsoo wheezed that last word. Some students stood nearby; some murmuring in pity, others with judging sneers. Kyungsoo still couldn’t figure out what was worse: the physical beatings or the hushed insults thrown at him in the hallway.

He really missed Yifan during times like this. But Yifan was busy, he was in college in China, he was working on making his dreams come true. He didn’t want to worry him. Why worry him when he won’t be able to do anything, right?

He leaned his head back against the lockers, closing his eyes, trying for just a second, just one second, to feel calm. He knew it was useless, but  _ fuck _ if he didn’t try. But instead the harsh bell rang, and his friends dragged him up, smoothing down his rumpled appearance.

The rest of the day dragged on, each minute refusing to go any faster than a glacial pace. Each second physically pained Kyungsoo. He knew that they were going to be waiting for him at the end of the day and he knew there was no way he would be able to avoid it. He knew they had figured out Baekhyun would be busy in choir for at least an hour. An hour. More than enough time, Kyungsoo knew, for them to do as much damage as they could.

The last bell rang, signalling the end of the day. Kyungsoo bolted out his seat. He was in the middle of stuffing his backpack when he felt two pairs of strong hands grabbing him. He made a move to scream, but instead gets a hard knock to his head. He was only vaguely aware of other students in the hallway before he found himself in the boys’ locker room. His heart sank immediately. A few of his tormentors surrounded him. The ring leader, as always, was the school’s quarterback, Jiwon.

“Aren’t you tired of this, Jiwon?” Kyungsoo swayed on his feet, eyes scanning his surroundings. There’re six of them. About three too many for Kyungsoo to take on his own without some serious injury to himself.

He was fucked and everyone in that room knew it.

“How can I be tired of this, fag?” The half circle tightened around Kyungsoo.

He’d never felt more hated than this moment.

Without any chance to process what was happening three guys threw him against the lockers, holding him there. Kyungsoo struggled, trying to break free, anything. Instead Jiwon and Hanbin stepped forward.

“This is for making me bleed my own blood,” growled Hanbin as he pulled his fist back. Kyungsoo made eye contact, daring Hanbin to go through with it.

And of course he did. Of course he punched Kyungsoo hard enough that the world screamed in blaring color.

Kyungsoo tasted the copper, the bitter taste of blood immediately, knowing he probably had a split lip now. His head rolled on his neck as he met Jiwon’s eyes now. There was a flash of sadness there--like he was remembering their childhood days of playing in sandboxes--but those days were gone long ago and somewhere along the way he’d turned into this asshole in front of him.

Another fist connected with Kyungsoo’s jaw, causing it to go slack and his eyes to roll back into his head momentarily.

Even if they didn’t really know how to punch, it hurt. It hurt Kyungsoo so bad.

“Fucking tranny can’t even talk anymore,” a voice jeered by his head. Kyungsoo’s skin crawled; the comment was enough to get him to struggle again. He got a knee to his ribs for that. A loud groan left Kyungsoo’s mouth as he stumbled, only held up by the pair of guys on each side of him.

“How can you even call yourself a man? You don’t have a cock. How are you going to fuck anyone without a cock?” Jiwon pressed the struggling teen back into the locker, glaring down his nose at Kyungsoo.

“Better than you ever will, you fucking limp dick,” Kyungsoo managed to taunt, one eye swollen shut and his bottom lip split in two places. He waited for the hit he knew was coming. Time slowed down and yet the sting still surprised him. His head bounced off the metal surface behind him and then he slumped forward.

“You’re a fucking  _ girl _ , not a boy.” Jiwon forced Kyungsoo to look him in the eye. “You know how I know?” Kyungsoo knew he wanted the shorter teen to answer; he wasn’t going to.

“You’ve got  _ tits _ , nice ones according to Minseok.” There was some jeering from the others surrounding them.

“Why don’t we see about those tits, huh?” Kyungsoo struggled to stop them, he really did, but two more guys joined the pair that already held him. Jiwon ripped Kyungsoo’s shirt open, revealing the binder on Kyungsoo’s chest.

“Hey, bro, come on, isn’t this a little too far?” One of the soccer players watching looked uneasy with the way things were progressing.

“Hell no. The fucking dyke needs to learn her lesson.” Jiwon raised a hand, ready to do something. Kyungsoo wasn’t going to put up with the humiliation anymore. He couldn’t. He couldn’t see out one eye, but he knew if he didn’t try to do something,  _ anything _ this would only get worse. Luckily, he felt the hold on him weaken, and he took his chance.

He lashed out, one foot easily finding someone’s shin, his fist connected with a cheek, causing the boy to pull away. He took the opportunity punch Jiwon in the face and ribs in quick succession. Jiwon fell back, clutching his face and ribs. Hanbin was next to him immediately, screaming something Kyungsoo didn’t really care about understanding.

A few of the other boys joined the brawl, yelling and doing what they could to land some good hits on the small boy.

“What the  _ FUCK _ do you assholes think you’re  _ doing _ ?” The brawl slowed a bit, as a few sheepishly pulled away at the sight of Baekhyun, Junmyeon, Jessica and Zitao standing in the doorway. Jiwon moved threateningly towards the quartet, his eye starting to swell.

“Stay out of this, Baekhyun, unless you want to get your ass handed to you.”

“You seem to forget, Ji- _ loser _ , Junmyeon, Zitao, and I all do martial arts. And Jessica is just fucking terrifying when she’s mad.” He motioned to his friends. “And Kyungsoo is  _ my best friend and brother _ , so I’m not staying out of this unless I’m dead.”

At that, all hell broke loose, teens hollering and the crunch of bones echoing in the tiled room. If you asked anyone who was there how long it all lasted, no one could give you a solid answer. The one thing that everyone could agree on was it stopped once the soccer coach walked in.

Her booming voice reverberated through the room and that was that. She looked around the room with what one could call contempt and ordered Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, Zitao, Jessica, and Junmyeon out, giving pointed looks to them as they limped out.

They waited outside, Kyungsoo wheezing and looking like hell, clothes tattered and blood stained. His friends were better off, but not by much.

“Hey…” Zitao took Kyungsoo’s wrist into two gentle hands. “Are you okay?” He had a cut above his eyebrow and a blooming bruise that would be dark purple by the next day on his cheek.

“Ugh, probably not.” Kyungsoo hugged himself closer. “I don’t know.”

“I can’t believe that fuckhead,” growled Junmyeon. He rubbed his temples with an irritated look on his face. “I hope you were able to get a few good hits in, Kyung.”

A grin spread across Kyungsoo bleeding face.

“You bet I fucking did.”

The soccer coach stepped out of the locker room, looking put upon and disappointed.

“You’re all free to go.” Kyungsoo stood in shock, waiting for her to change her mind. “Yes,  _ all _ of you are free to go. Even you Kyungsoo. I suspended all of them for a day with Saturday detention for two weeks. I can’t do anything else since the principal would rather we all ignore this.” She rubbed the back of her head, sadness clear on her face. “I can’t promise they won’t try this again. You should travel in groups from now on.” She made eye contact with Kyungsoo.

“I’m sorry there isn’t more I can do--the principal--”

“I know, he’s already made his stance on my transition clear.” They bowed to their teacher and hobbled away.

“Kyungsoo!” The teens turned around, startled. “You’re a good kid. If you need help, I’m here.” Kyungsoo bowed again.

“Thanks Mrs. Kwon. I’ll keep that in mind.”

They all walked him home, keeping an eye out in case any other assailants decided to pop out. Their steps were light, even with the possibilities of an ambush. They arrived at Kyungsoo’s house without any incident. Everyone but Baekhyun said their goodbyes and wandered home.

“You don’t have to stay, Baek. I can get cleaned up on my own.”

“Yeah, but I want to help. And make sure you’re really okay, like, mentally.” He’d already pushed his way into Kyungsoo’s bedroom, already pulling out the first aid kit from the bathroom. They sat shoulder to shoulder, patching each other up like they did when they were kids. A heavy silence settled over them; Baekhyun had Kyungsoo’s hands in his as he wrapped them in bandages.

“I’m sorry, Baek.”

“What for?”

“For being such a-- _ fucking _ ,” he hissed, Baekhyun had touched a particularly sensitive wound, “such a fucking burden on you and the rest of our friends.”

“You’re not a burden, Kyungsoo. You’ll never be a burden, at least to me.” Baekhyun began patching up his best friend’s face, trying to fight off the tightness in his heart, remembering what Yifan told him before leaving.

_ “Don’t let Kyungsoo feel alone. I don’t think he could handle feeling more alone than he already does.” _

“Fuck, those assholes, a couple of these are going to scar.” Baekhyun delicately applied the anti-scarring cream onto Kyungsoo’s split lips and cuts.

“Maybe they’ll think I’m manly then.”

“Shut up, you’re already more of a man than anyone with a dick that I know.” Baekhyun’s face was serious; his eyebrows knitted together in concentration. “Fucking hell, I’m not letting you out of my sight ever again, alright? You’re coming with me to my extracurriculars and you have no fucking say in it, I’m  _ not _ letting these punks catch you alone again.”

Kyungsoo noticed how his best friend’s hands trembled with pent of anger and probably a bit of frustration. He knew the frustration wasn’t aimed him, but he still felt guilty.

Guilty that Baekhyun now had to watch out for bullies too. Guilty that Baekhyun was patching him up for the fourth time this week. Guilty that Kyungsoo knew that Baekhyun was never going to stop worrying about his childhood friend.

Why was he such a burden?

A sigh seeped through Kyungsoo’s lips as the tears started flowing. Baekhyun hopped backwards, surprised, not sure exactly what brought about the sudden overflow of emotion (not that he could blame Kyungsoo). He pulled the smaller boy into his arms, rubbing soothing strokes up and down his friend’s back.

“Shhh, it’s okay, it’s okay. I got you, I’m here.”

“I-I’m sorr--”

“You don’t need to be sorry. You’re my best friend and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, okay?” He held Kyungsoo close, not able to hold back his own tears any longer either. It was all too much for just a few teens to handle on their own, especially since the most supportive member of their group was an ocean and timezone away. “Do you want me to call Fannie? I know that he wouldn’t mind. Not when we need him.” Kyungsoo shook his head so fervently Baekhyun worried he was going to give himself whiplash.

“Please, don’t, I don’t want him worrying more than he does.”

“But, Kyung--”

“Baek, please don’t fight me on this. It’s hard enough having to have you put me before anything else, I couldn’t bear doing that to Fannie too.”

With a very patient sigh, Baekhyun put down the band-aids and other supplies he’d been using. He searched his friend’s face, trying to see how deeply he believed everything he had just said. Kyungsoo avoided Baekhyun’s gaze and that told Baekhyun everything he needed to know.

He pulled out his phone and typed in Yifan’s ID. Kyungsoo tried to stop him, but Baekhyun needed backup. He needed someone else to help Kyungsoo remember what it was like to be loved. And Baekhyun knew that Yifan had a way of breaking through that self hatred that found its way into Kyungsoo’s heart. Baekhyun pressed call, letting the speaker fill the bathroom with the ringing.

“ _ Hello? _ ” Yifan’s deep voice greets them.

“Did we wake you up?” Kyungsoo glared at Baekhyun with the hope somehow it would make his tongue fall out. Or maybe the ground would swallow him whole.

“ _ Ugh, yeah. _ ” They heard him rustling about. “ _ What’s up? _ ”

“Kyu--” Kyungsoo grabbed the phone from Baekhyun’s hands.

“We just missed you and wanted to see how you are, Fannie. I told this asshole you probably were sleeping but you know how he is. We’ll let you get back to sleep. Sorry, Fannie.”

“ _Uh, it’s fine? I miss you guys too._ ” Baekhyun tried to grab to phone from his smaller friend, but failed. “ _Let’s set up a Skype date, okay? You can update me then? I have a test tomorrow and while I’d rather stay up late talking to you two dumbasses--_ ” A loud yawn broke through the line-- “ _I really should sleep. Love you two, though. I’ll text y’all and, yeah. I gotta sleep. Bye, okay?_ ”

“G’night Fannie! Do well tomorrow!” Kyungsoo quickly hung up the phone without waiting for a response.

“What the fuck, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun was livid--his face was bright red, his hands curled into fists, eyebrows bunched together. Kyungsoo shoved his friend’s phone into his chest.

“I told you Baek, I don’t want to be more of a burden than I already am.”

“You’re  _ not _ a burden, okay? I can’t believe you  _ actually _ think that--there’s--how?? How can you think that, Kyungsoo?” Baekhyun didn’t even realize that he was clutching Kyungsoo’s shoulders until Kyungsoo moved away.

“Look at us, Baek! This is the third time  _ this week alone _ we’ve been in a fight. And it’s because of  _ me _ . Me! Baek, it’s  _ literally _ my fault that you’ve gotten more detentions in the past month alone than your whole academic career!” Baekhyun winced under Kyungsoo’s anger. The smaller boy hadn’t lost the ability to make Baekhyun feel so small, even when Kyungsoo was the one who’s hurting. Baekhyun gathered himself, knowing he needed to express how he felt.

“I don’t care about that, Kyungsoo! You have so much against you, why wouldn’t I want to make sure you  _ know _ that at least  _ someone _ is there for you?” He shoved a finger into Kyungsoo’s sternum. “You’re my  _ brother _ and I’ll fight for you so you know that you’re  _ not alone _ in this.” He clutched Kyungsoo’s shoulders again. “You don’t need to be a martyr; you know that having a solid support system makes this transition easier. Just--stop fighting  _ me _ . I don’t mind, I know my limits and I’ll tell you when it’s too much. Okay?” He watched tears fall down Kyungsoo’s face. A silence grew between them; Baekhyun waiting for Kyungsoo’s response and Kyungsoo trying to process everything.

“I--I don’t want anyone else getting hurt--It’s not right. I’m--I...I’m not worth the trouble, okay? I’m just--”

“Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare say you’re a burden again.”

“Well, it’s  _ true _ \--and on top of that I’m a disappointment.” Baekhyun threw his hands up, completely exasperated.

“Stop being so fucking  _ stubborn _ , Kyungie. You’re not  _ any _ of those things. Just let--let me and our friends and even your mom  _ show _ you that! We’re here to help you, okay?” Baekhyun’s chest heaved up and down, eyes trained on Kyungsoo’s.

“Get out.”

“What?”

“Get out. I need to be alone.”

“I don’t think that’s a goo--”

“Too bad. I want you to leave, Baek.” Baekhyun tried to reach out to his best friend, his friend he could see slipping away. But Kyungsoo had his walls up and Baekhyun knew he meant it when he told his friend to leave him alone. Baekhyun only hoped that Kyungsoo would reach out later. He was sure he would. He just needed time to cool off. So, with a large amount of resignation, Baekhyun opened the bathroom door and left.

Kyungsoo followed him out; no matter how pissed he was, he still wanted to be polite even if it was just in case his mom was home. Which she was.

“Kyungie, dear, how--Oh my god! Baek, Kyung, what happened?” The two teens halt in their tracks.

“Ah, hi, Mrs. Do. Uhm, it was just some jerks again. They jumped Kyungsoo and--”

“It’s not a big deal mom. We took care of them and for once one of the teachers did something--”

“If you just started acting like a normal  _ girl _ , you’d stop provoking this kind of behavior.” The trio looked over to Kyungsoo’s dad sitting in the corner, reading something.

“Thanks for your input,  _ dad _ , too bad I’m not a girl.” Kyungsoo felt the anger he had been getting under control starting to rise. Baekhyun took his hand, all thoughts of the fight they just had flying out of his mind as soon as Kyungsoo’s dad opened his mouth.

“Honey, we’ve been over this, please, at least just refer to our child as ‘Kyungie’; it just would--”

“Oh, who cares. Maybe all these fights will teach you a lesson, daughter.”

“Seungsoo!”

“What, Kyungmi? She chose this, she needs to accept by trying to stand out, she’s going to get picked on.” Baekhyun’s grip tightened on Kyungsoo’s hand, tugging him towards the door.

“Let’s go,” he whispered into Kyungsoo’s ear, eyes not leaving the older Do’s. “I know you don’t want to be around me, but I don’t want to leave you around him.”

Kyungsoo shook his head, eyes also trained on his parents. “I don’t want to be around anyone,” he growled lowly. He pulled his hand from Baekhyun’s and stormed back up the stairs, the slam from his bedroom shaking the house.

“What--”

“It’s fine. He’s just--”

“She.”

“ _ He’s _ just on edge because of the fight. I should go. He made it pretty clear he doesn’t want me around right now.” Baekhyun mentally flipped Kyungsoo’s dad off while giving Mrs. Do a tight hug and whispering “please make him call me later” before taking his leave.

It was going to be a long night, Baekhyun could feel it already.

⭑✯⭑

It took four days for Kyungsoo to finally talk to Baekhyun. It wasn’t that Baekhyun and Kyungsoo weren’t seeing each other; Baekhyun made sure to walk his sulking friend from class to class and sitting with him during their shared breaks. And once the evenings rolled around, Baekhyun sent text after text, trying to annoy Kyungsoo into responding and by late Thursday, his plan worked. Baekhyun’s phone started vibrating loudly on his desk, jolting him out of his anime induced stupor.

“He--”

“ _ You absolute piece of shit _ .”

“I’m glad you finally called me, asshole.”

“ _ Why are you like this? _ ” Kyungsoo groaned through the line.

“Because I care, that’s why.”

“ _ Your version of caring is pretty annoying, you know that? Obnoxious. _ ”

“Just like me, right?”

There was a long pause. Baekhyun could hear Kyungsoo shifting and breathing on the other end before he sighed.

“ _ I really hate you. But also I miss yelling at you. _ ” Baekhyun’s chest swelled at the affection, even if it was backhanded.

“Aw, my Kyungie misses me?” Baekhyun tried to use what he considered his cutest voice and was rewarded with Kyungsoo’s gagging.

“ _ Gross. I need your Chem notes. Mine don't make sense. _ ”

“It's like you only want me for my brain.”

“ _ Your brain isn't that special. You're just better at Chem than me. _ ” He could hear the sarcasm coming from his best friend; Kyungsoo was definitely smirking. “ _ I'll be there in like 15. _ ” With that, the line went dead and Baekhyun hummed happily to himself. As long as Kyungsoo kept calling back, he had nothing to worry about.

⭑✯⭑

After school one day the next week, Kyungsoo shuffled quickly to where he was supposed to meet Baekhyun before walking home. As he rounded the corner, he heard hushed voices. Poking his head out, he spotted Baekhyun and Jessica, Jessica’s back to him.

“I’m tired of this, Baek. I don’t know how to fight like you--”

“I told you I’d teach you--”

“That’s  _ not _ the issue and you know it!”

“What is it then? You don’t have my best friend’s back? Who, by the way, is one of  _ your _ good friends?”

“It’s! It’s not like that! Okay? It’s not.”

“Then what’s it like, Jessica? Kyungsoo is my best friend. He’s, like, my brother!”

“Yes, I get that! I support that! I just--I don’t want to be associated with this shit anymore! Okay! Okay, I fucking said it, Baek!” Jessica’s voice started to build; her exasperation starting to show. Baekhyun, on the other hand, was a thunderstorm in the middle October: unpredictable and potentially deadly. “I went along with it because I love you, but, Jesus, we’re  _ teenagers _ , whose to say Kyung won’t change her--”

“ _ His _ ,” Baekhyun hissed. He was one second away from tearing into Jessica. He could feel his blood running cold. If Kyungsoo heard what one of his supposedly good friends was saying--Baekhyun didn’t want to know what that would do to his best friend.

“Look, I know you two have been friends since Kyungie punched you but seriously, I don’t want any part--”

“Then stop acting like his friend. He needs people in his corner, Jessica. And that’s clearly not you! How fucking dare you say you support him and say you love me but pull out when he needs us most! I can’t believe you!” Baekhyun was fuming; he couldn’t believe the girl he loved was doing this, that she was betraying someone that he cared about more than anything.

“Baekhyun, please, just--”

“No, we’re done. We’re done, Jessica.” Jessica moved towards her now ex-boyfriend. “No, don’t fucking touch me, don’t talk to me, and don’t you  _ dare _ talk to Kyungsoo. He deserves so much better than someone like you as his friend.” Baekhyun adjusted his backpack, starting to move away from her. “Now you won’t have to  _ associate _ with us anymore. Fuck off, Jessica. I’m going to find my  _ brother, my best friend _ now.” Baekhyun started towards the corner where Kyungsoo was hiding.

Kyungsoo didn’t know when he’d started crying, but once he realized he was, he bolted. Jessica thought he was weird, that he didn’t know himself, that he was wrong.  _ Jessica _ . The girl who stayed up with him during the summers baking cookies at midnight. The girl who smuggled alcohol from her big brother for them to get drunk for the first time. The girl who held him when Taeyeon ripped his dress, who helped him control his anxiety whenever he felt a panic attack coming on.

_ Jessica _ .

She thought he was  _ wrong _ just like everyone else.

Kyungsoo ran as fast as he could, only vaguely hearing Baekhyun calling after him. He just knew he had to get home, to avoid whatever asshole felt like beating him up that day, to get to his room before his dad got home from work. He needed to lock himself in his bathroom, needed his kit, needed to remind himself of what control felt like.

He could hear someone running after him; it didn’t matter who it was, he wasn’t going to stop for anyone. He wasn’t stopping until he could be alone.

“Kyungie! Kyung! Kyungsoo!” A hand grabbed his arm. Kyungsoo immediately went into defense mode, body moving of its own accord. “ _ Fuck! _ ” Only after he had punched the person did he realize it was Baekhyun. His friend’s face was stained with tears and fear and frustration.

“That’s like the billionth time you’ve punched me.” Kyungsoo shook his head and just kept running. He knew what Baekhyun would say, he knew his friend had the best intentions, but he really didn’t want to hear it, not when he knew that deep down, Baekhyun only stuck around out of duty and pity.

Baekhyun cradled his definitely bruising jaw as he watched Kyungsoo’s rapidly retreating back. He didn’t need to know if his childhood friend had heard what Jessica said, the way he just kept running told him everything.

Baekhyun knew he couldn’t leave Kyungsoo alone at that moment. He had a feeling Kyungsoo was going to go home and lock himself away from everyone. He also knew that if he tried to talk Kyungsoo out of whatever his current plan was, Kyungsoo might shut him out completely. Baekhyun dropped to the ground, trembling, and let himself cry.

⭑✯⭑

Kyungsoo could handle the bullies. Most of the time. He could handle the comments and intentional misgendering from his dad, most of the time. He could handle them because of his friends. He thought he had a solid support group in Baekhyun, Yifan even if he was far away, Junmyeon, Zitao, and Jessica. But if Jessica felt that way about him, who’s to say the others didn’t agree? Who’s to say Junmyeon and Zitao were just standing up for him because of duty like Jessica? Because they had known him for so long? What if it was like that for  _ Baekhyun _ , his brother forever? Or even  _ Yifan _ ?

What if none of them actually cared?  _ Why would they, _ a loud voice yelled in his head,  _ You’re just a broken, confused girl. Completely worthless. _ His hands trembled with the blade in his hand. He sat propped up on his counter, thighs exposed.

One angry red line for Jessica admitting to how she really felt.

One for all the times he remembered--real or imagined--judgement from her.

One for the sneers he saw in the hallway that day.

One for his mother’s constant worrying.

His phone buzzed next to him. He glanced over--it’s Baekhyun again--and draws another line for his best friend’s pain. Kyungsoo’s shoulders shook as he tried to keep his hands steady. His phone kept vibrating, Baekhyun’s name kept popping up. Kyungsoo squeezed his eyes shut, willing Baekhyun to stop calling.

_ One, two, three _ more rings. Then silence. For a time.

When the phone started ringing again, he groaned, grabbing some gauze. Baekhyun wasn’t going to give up. Kyungsoo guessed that’s a good sign.

“I don’t want to talk, Baek--”

“ _ Kyungsoo? _ ” Kyungsoo froze. It wasn’t Baekhyun calling him this time.

“Fanfan?” A relieved breath crackled through the line.

“ _ Thank god, I was so worried. _ ”

“Why--Why are you calling?” Kyungsoo hated how his voice trembled. He sounded so  _ weak _ .

“ _ Baekhyun called me--he sounded so--Kyungsoo, are you okay? Are you safe? _ ” Kyungsoo covered his mouth, trying to even his breathing.

“Yeah--I’m--Yeah, I’m fine, Fannie. Just. I’m just a bit upset, it’s fine, I’ll be fine.”

There was a long pause.

“ _ Are you sure? Baekhyun sounded...he sounded really upset and scared, Soo. _ ”

_ One, two, three,  _ breathe.

“It’s. I’m okay.” Kyungsoo pressed down on the thin gauze, watching how little spots of blood soaked through. “I heard that Baekhyun and Jessica broke up. And. And I’m pretty sure it’s because of me.” He fiddled with the razor; he’d need a new one soon. “I freaked out, but I’m okay now.” He heard Yifan let out a long breath.

“ _ Is that really it? Are you really okay? _ ” Kyungsoo heard the skepticism in Yifan’s voice. His heart constricted thinking about how worried Yifan must be right now. He didn’t need that burden, he didn’t need to worry about Kyungsoo on top of all his other commitments.

“Really, Fannie, I’m upset, but I’ll be okay. I really should call Baekhyun back. Just to like, let him know I’m here for him.” He could practically hear Yifan thinking about whether or not he should believe his friend.

“ _ Are you sure you’re okay? Can you tell me what happened exactly? It really didn’t-- _ ”

“Jessica doesn’t want to be part of my...protection squad and well, Baek told her to go fuck herself basically.” Kyungsoo gripped his phone between his shoulder and ear, cleaning himself; he wasn’t going to be able to finish what he started tonight apparently. Yifan was talented in that regard.

“ _ Shit _ .”

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo could hear Yifan moving around on the other end.

“ _ You know Baek doesn't think that way too, right? _ ” Kyungsoo hummed. “ _ Soo? _ ”

“Yeah, I know, Fannie. We're brothers and all that,” he snorted, more to himself than to Yifan. Yifan let out an exasperated noise.

“ _ Why don't you ever believe us when we tell you that we care, Soo? It hurts us too, you know. _ ”

“This conversation shouldn't even be about me though, like--Baekhyun is the one who's in pain right now. I don't--”

“ _ If you heard what Jessica said, then really, this conversation is about the two of you. _ ”

“Fannie, I've caused enough trouble for our friends as it is. Maybe I should just--”

“ _ You don't need to give Baek space, Kyungsoo, and you know that. He needs you now more than ever. _ ”

“Yeah, well, I'm the reason he's hurting so-”

“ _ Jesus, get your head out of your ass. Listen to yourself! _ ” Some more movement happened on the other end of the line. Yifan was probably pacing his dorm room. “ _ Listen, we love you and support you. Baekhyun probably would give a limb in order to make sure you don't get hurt. He's stupid like that. _ ” Kyungsoo snickered in agreement. “ _ I care about your wellbeing and that you're happy, Kyungsoo. I hate that I can't be there. But I care, okay? I'm--I just wish you'd stop being so hard on yourself and just fucking believe us! I--we--I mean, we can't say we know how it feels because we don't, but we do know, we can see, and we feel like shit too when we can tell you're hurting-- _ ”

“This has nothing to do with me, Yifa--”

“ _ It has everything to do with you, Soo. You're Baek’s best friend. He'd rather have you around forever than any other person in the world. _ ” Kyungsoo took a deep breath, hot tears threatening to spill over.

“I'm not worth that,” he whispered, voice cracking on the last word. “Baekhyun deserves so much more than--”

“ _ He would disagree.  _ **_I_ ** _ disagree. _ ” Yifan let his last statement hang in the air, heavy and bloated with meaning.

“I really wish you were still here, Fanfan…”

“ _ I know, Soo. I need you to stop thinking that bullshit, okay? It's not true, Baek and I love you to Pluto and beyond. You're the best friend either of us could ask for. I just wish you could  _ **_see_ ** _ that. _ ”

“I'm gunna call Baek, okay?” He wasn’t going to call Baekhyun.

“ _ Good. Do that. _ ” Kyungsoo felt the distance now. He really felt that Yifan was far away in China, probably was lying on his bed, exhausted after a long day and having to talk his younger friends down. He could only imagine how stressed Yifan was with work, with school. It hurt Kyungsoo to think about that and it filled him with guilt.

“Thanks, Fannie. Love you.”

“ _ Love you too, Soo. Talk to you soon. _ ”

Kyungsoo put down his cell and stared at his thighs. They had started to scab over during the phone call and seeing so many new fresh lines only solidified what Kyungsoo already knew.

He picked up his first aid kit and resolved he would make this situation right.

⭑✯⭑

Kyungsoo knew he didn’t have many options to make things right. He either needed a miracle so people would stop caring about his gender or needed to try living as a girl again. The latter option made him want to vomit and he knew he couldn’t control what people thought of him anyway. It’d be easier if there was a way for him to just stop existing. That way, he would stop hurting the people around him. He would stop dragging his friends into his problems. He wasn’t strong enough to keep going.

Yeah, not being alive was definitely the right decision.

Kyungsoo found Jessica after school one day, before Baekhyun was going to meet him to walk home together.

“Jessica.”

“Kyungie? Why are you--” Her eyebrows shot up and disappeared into her hairline from how shocked she was she was that Kyungsoo was even acknowledging her existence.

“I need Xanax.”

“Oh. Okay.” She rummaged through her backpack. “Uhm, just, like, the old amount?” Kyungsoo nodded tersely. Jessica looked embarrassed; she must have known that Kyungsoo knew what she had said to Baek not long ago. Honestly, Kyungsoo didn’t want to deal with her longer than he needed to; he knew he was already causing her trouble just by being a former friend. She pulled out a small pill bottle and handed it to Kyungsoo.

“Here. It’s free. And--”

“Jessica, it’s fine. Thanks, for the pills.” Kyungsoo stuffed the bottle into his pockets and slunk off. The pity was so palpable, it drove him nuts.

He met up with Baekhyun and pretended nothing was wrong. His best friend chattered away about some new comic he had heard about and how excited he was to be a senior. A sharp pang hit Kyungsoo when he realized that if he didn’t act, he would spend a year without Baekhyun by his side. Baekhyun would be leaving him and could live life easily without him.  _ Maybe that’s why he was so excited about being a senior now _ , that little voice said. Baekhyun was stronger than Kyungsoo was, emotionally anyway. He was probably only keeping Kyungsoo around because he felt bad for abandoning him.

It only confirmed what he needed to do.

Once Friday night rolled around, Kyungsoo had a fully formed plan. First he went through all his social media accounts and deactivated them. It wasn’t like he really posted much on there anyway. Then he laid out his supplies on his bed so they were ready when he was. He knew he should probably provide some closure to at least the most important person in his life so he sat down at his desk and wrote.

> _ Hey Baek--- _
> 
> _ I guess the first thing I should do is apologize. I’m sorry for being a shitty friend, for being so self-absorbed I didn’t even try to help you out when you needed me. _
> 
> _ I’m sorry I can’t be there for you the way you are for me. _
> 
> _ But I guess what I’m most sorry for is what I’m about to do. _
> 
> _ I wish I was stronger like you, that I didn’t care what people said about me, but I  _ **_do_ ** _ and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t take the jokes, the stares, the fucking  _ **_judgment_ ** _. I can’t take people tearing me down and telling me I’m worthless. I already  _ **_know_ ** _ that, I just wish people would stop confirming it. _
> 
> _ I don’t want to be thrown into walls or lockers or whatever fucking vertical surface is around whenever I’m left alone. It doesn’t matter I’m a black belt when there are 6 of them and 1 of me. _
> 
> _ Though that one time I gave Jiwon a black eye and bruised rib was pretty awesome, wasn’t it? _
> 
> _ I’m sorry that I won’t be there when you go off to college...and that I won’t be able to be the best man at your wedding. _
> 
> _ Even now I’m disappointing people… _
> 
> _ I don’t want you to hate me, okay? Please, just remember how it was when we were together. _
> 
> _ Brothers forever, right? _
> 
> _ Your brother forever, _
> 
> _ Kyungsoo _
> 
> _ P.S: Please tell my mom this isn’t her fault. _

With trembling hands, Kyungsoo folded up the letter and stuffed his supplies into his backpack. He rushed down the stairs, avoiding his father as had become custom.

“Hey, mom, I'm going to stay at Baek’s tonight!” He barely paused to hear her response before shoving his shoes on and flying out the door. He jumped on his awaiting bike and rode off to his best friend’s place.

He had no intention of actually staying there tonight. He just needed to drop off his letter before he could go to his actual destination: a secluded playground he and Baek used to run away to as kids. Well, it was a place Kyungsoo would run to as a kid, and Baekhyun would find him there. Kyungsoo had been going there a lot recently, but no one knew that, not even Baekhyun. He needed to be alone, needed no outside influences.

Kyungsoo peddled faster than he probably ever had to Baekhyun’s. He knew his friend wasn’t there; he was out doing something to help prepare for college. Kyungsoo knew that he would have time before Baekhyun found his letter, just as he planned. He got there in record time and easily slipped the letter under the front door. He left quickly and undetected, ready to make things right.

His body still ached from the beating he’d taken from the assholes on the basketball team earlier in the week. His bullies had started to wise up and made sure to only leave bruises on parts of his body that wouldn’t readily be seen.

Besides, they knew Kyungsoo was too prideful to let anyone see them anyway.

Kyungsoo settled into his secluded spot, ignoring the sharp pain in his side. It was the best spot, he knew; he wouldn’t be found unless someone was really looking for him and he knew by the time anyone found him he would be long gone. He rifled around his bag, finding the bottle of Xanax he got from Jessica and the bottle of soju he’d stolen from his dad’s room.

This was the best decision, he thought. It’s the one where everyone won.

Where his dad got to have his world go back to normal.

Where his mom stopped looking so tired and worried.

Where Baek didn’t worry about him all the time or have to put up with the shit constantly thrown at him.

Where he got to rest, to never wake up, to not have to know how many people he let down everyday.

He took a long gulp of soju, ignoring the burn as it made its way down his throat.

This was the right choice, he knew.

He could just...stop existing.

Stop causing so many problems for his loved ones.

He took a handful of the small, white pills and threw them in his mouth, washing them down with another gulp of soju.

It took a few minutes for him to feel the effects.  The world felt fuzzier, his thoughts slowed. Inversely, though, he felt his heart beat faster and faster, but he just drank more thinking that would take care of it.

Kyungsoo tried to focus, tried to think of the good he was doing for his friends and family, but he couldn’t. Instead, he could only feel a numbness starting to spread.

He drank another mouthful of soju. Warmth was spreading through his body from the cocktail of Xanax and liquor. He laid back; watching the shadows surrounding him were fluttering like butterflies.

It was strange, the combination of numbness and hypersensitivity he was experiencing. While Kyungsoo’s body was slowing down, he was acutely aware of how the grass felt under his hands. He could feel the night breeze as it gently ruffled his hair.

His eyes were getting heavy and even breathing felt difficult.

He smiled, feeling sleep coming over him.

“How nice…” Kyungsoo lifted one hand, trying to somehow touch the phantoms above his head.

“That I’ll finally disappear…”

He feels his breath slowing more and more. As his eyes closed, he feels himself slip away into a deep sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> I spent a lot of time on this and it's become kind of a theraputic thing for me to write this. I hope you enjoyed it? Or, I guess, enjoyed the pain.
> 
> UPDATE:  
> Wowowow first off, thanks to everyone who took the chance to read this fic and also for all the lovely comments! I never really expected anyone to read it and while it isn't like...popular or anything, the fact that y'all took the time to read this and let me break your heart...means a lot to me :P
> 
> Anyway, I wrote an epilogue.
> 
> It's not required to read it; the ending here is an ending I'm happy with and an appropriate one at that. But I always intended to write this epilogue, so I hope y'all enjoy it.
> 
> You can suffer some more on my tumblr, bit.ly/2aVevRN.
> 
> Enjoy~


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